I’m confused. Slightly shell shocked… a little wrung out and deep breathing like it is going out of fashion and very unusually for me, bordering on lost for words! Not one of my better days- details aren’t important in this context… but some of the bigger issues are very important.
I am always amazed that I have friends… not in a ‘poor-little-old-me-I’m- so-unlovable’ kind of way, but rather in, I can’t believe sometimes that relatively (!) normal people and I are able to communicate and relate to each other in a healthy way. Most days I do just take a moment to be so grateful that I have held on to many precious friendships, and that others have held on to me.
Like many of us, I don’t like conflict- and to be honest, I very rarely have conflicts with people. I realise this is unusual for people with BPD, but it is another example for me where I don’t think I quite fit into the classic mode. It’s not just that I people-please, I like people… on the whole I am able to communicate appropriately, and though at times I realise I am very high maintenance I hope that at moments, I can give into some of the relationships in my own unique way.
But today, I realised, with horror, that I had (from their perspective), really hurt someone special to me. Proper hurt… not we’ll get over it kind of hurt- but I hate you kind of hurt. I am struggling to not feel mortified by this revelation. I am battling to not drown in shame. But I’m also confused… I can honestly say with hand on heart- I don’t know what I’ve done. And that makes it worse. Am I so besotted with self- that I just cannot see the impact of my actions on those I love? Not only have I hurt someone, I don’t know how I’ve done it… shocking… but worse still have been the triggers that have been set off by the day’s events.
I have, over the years, lurched from one abusive relationships to another… like a moth to the flame I have attracted people that seek to control, manipulate and use me. Unfortunately, this is just what my close friends tell me!!! I just can’t see it. My friends comfort me with words of you haven’t done anything- it’s their problem etc… and I just can’t see it. I can only see that it is all my fault (inverted pride I know)… I am a horrible person… if I wasn’t like this, they wouldn’t need to be horrible etc… a familiar story that many of us either say or have heard…
I was musing this afternoon on the fact that others can sometimes see so much clearer than we can. We can say to our friend please stop drinking or whatever the self-destructive behaviour is- but we can’t always see for ourselves what others can see. And today is one of those days… I can’t see the control and manipulation on the part of the other… I wish I could but I can’t. One of my struggles for many years is accepting that others have hurt me… that I have in some cases been a ‘victim’- boy, do I hate that word. Initially, I could only write V…… but then I thought some people might not have a clue as to what I am talking about! I have had therapists try and get me to admit that what others has done has been wrong- and I seriously, want to punch their lights out! To admit that seems the ultimate in admitting weakness and vulnerability… and I just can’t do it. Call it pride, call it fear, call it whatever you will- but self-blame is such a foundational stone for me, that I fear if that comes down, life itself will cease.
But I’m also confused as I know there are two sides to every story. This other person will have friends who are agreeing and supporting them… what a horrible person Hephzibah is… she deserves all this… One of the fundamental parts of DBT is the dialectical bit (funny enough!)- opposites existing together… more than one perspective… And that for me today leaves me shredded. I know that I often have a very black and white view on life, normally, I’m wrong- they’re right… and as I sit here, I can’t seem to manage the tension that my friends tell me I am being manipulated and the other person’s friends will be saying the ‘kind’ things to her…how do my friends know? How do this other person’s friends know? I don’t know…
I’m aware that in my posts, I often reach a conclusion or action plan at the end of each one. And I wonder whether I do that for myself or for my readers, but tonight, I don’t have that. Tonight, I have just have the almost overwhelming desire to ring this person up- apologise, grovel, repent, do whatever it takes for me to make their pain better- and thus relieve my own… but tonight I also chose not to do that. I chose to agree with the Joyce Meyer quote of yesterday- if I do what I always do, I will always get the same result as I usually do. Tonight, I accept that the impulse to please others, is immense. The impulse to denigrate self for the sake of another is powerful. Tonight, I chose to do nothing, until I know what to do. Tonight, I admit, that this hurts. Tonight, I just don’t know.
Thanks for listening.