Know Thyself

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I’m trying to change. To change myself- how I behave, how I think and how I respond. Until this point, I have spent a lot of time and effort ‘pushing through’. Regardless of my feelings or physical pain I would grit my teeth and deliver what was required, never mind the personal cost. This attitude encompassed my work, my faith, my relationships, my own body… you name it: if I had to get through something, come hell or high water I was going to do it.

I’m trying to change.

At this moment I recognise that I do not feel well enough to work… I don’t feel able to have a lodger… these decisions have implications- I don’t have any answers… but I can’t do them at this point. I also know that I have a choice. 1) I can push through those feelings and go ahead back to work or 2) I can listen to myself and try and have the courage to follow that truth. Scary stuff… pushing through used to be the easiest way- I didn’t disappoint others, I was admired for being ‘strong’ but in reality with every push, part of me got a little weaker- with every grit of teeth, my sense of self diminished a little further- with every stubborn dogged determined effort to keep going, part of me disappeared a bit more.

I’m trying to change.

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