Tonight I feel utterly fragmented… in another planet… different time zone… disconnected… and fearful because of all those things.
I live in England (which American readers would already have realised as I persist in using ‘s’ instead of wordpress’s reprimand to use ‘z’!) I’m part of the Olympic Opening Ceremony (I will be completely unidentifiable- there are quite a lot of us!!!) This evening we rehearsed in the stadium- and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get myself there (physically I turned up, but that was the best I could do). I knew this evening had the potential to be tricky- I was very anxious before going. The trip involved going on the underground system, which I have only managed twice in 10 years… I was concerned about getting really hungry (no food allowed to be brought in)… I was tetchy.
However, I chose to attend. But however hard I tried, I couldn’t get my mind and body in the same place at the same time. This morning I had been reading and trying to practise some of the core mindfulness skills, observing, describing, participating… I was trying so hard to keep bringing myself back to reality, but it alluded me. I appreciate that this is early days of treatment for me- but I really needed the skills to work for me this evening and I’m not quite adept enough in them at the moment.
I think what I find tricky is that it makes me feel such a freak. As we were leaving, other performers were waxing lyrical about how brilliant/ awesome/ amazing it had been… I hadn’t experienced that, and I felt a freak. My mind wanders- ‘what is wrong with me?’ ‘what am I not getting that the others are?’ ‘why can’t I just be happy… more appreciative… more grateful’. I also find myself really fearful of managing to get through rehearsals to join in the performance and all my friends telling me it was amazing, and how much fun I looked like I was having, and what an amazing opportunity etc and I will just feel dead inside. Numb. Dead. Exhausted.
So where do I go from here? Tonight, I radically accept that ‘it is what it is’. I attended a rehearsal tonight. I feel discouraged, disillusioned and fearful. Those feelings feel real, but they are not facts. They will pass. I did amazingly well to get on the tube, be in such an open space with so many people. Tomorrow, I use wise mind to consider my options. Sleep well.