Fear… just four letters: two consonants and two vowels. It would only get you 4 points on Countdown… but don’t let that deceive you or me- fear can drain the very life out of life. I find this difficult to admit- but I would never have really said that fear was one of my major struggles- (possible self-delusion I agree) but that was how, until very recently I saw things. I wasn’t an overly anxious type of girl- sometimes I could even be laid back about things… but more and more since ‘the crash’ I realise how much I fear and more importantly how much I let fear drive my behaviour.
This morning as I was driving into an Olympics rehearsal, I stumbled upon the realisation that one of my deepest inner fears is that I have nothing to say- nothing to offer the world- nothing inside that is worthy of giving away to others. And this is magnified as I have deep deep desire to impact others for good- to leave a mark on the world- to live a life that reaches beyond my years on earth- I really do. And this morning I got in touch with the very fear that cripples me and stops me from doing just that.
The fear manifests itself in many disguises. Some are the slightly sociably acceptable – humility, self-deprecation and all that rubbish… but in actual fact, the truth is that this fear suffocates me. This fear of emptiness- nothing inside- an empty abyss inside that tries to convince me I am already dead. It stops me from living. It stops me creating and at times it even threatens to stop me from existing.
I desire to write songs, write books, sing, perform, create… and the fear inside tells me I have nothing to say. So guess what I do- I say nothing… the songs never come, the story remains untold, the voice has gone mute and the creativity has dried up. I have spent 20 years helping release creativity in others- but have never given myself the chance to create. I research topics and find others that can say it better than me… others with more experience… others with better technical skills- you name it, I can find someone better than me… and the intimidation I feel paralyses me.
It is this fear that stops me telling the majority of friends and acquaintances about this blog. I am not afraid they will disagree or be shocked- that kind of thing doesn’t particularly bother me. I am afraid of being ignored. People not wanting to read it as I have nothing to say of any interest or import. This was all a revelation to me this morning…
so what do I do about it? What impact does this revelation have on me? Well, firstly I’ve written this post! I am saying what is inside me. Some may find it interesting/ helpful- many won’t. But for the sake of those who will, I will write. But more importantly I will do it for myself. I am fully aware, that sometimes to release creativity we just have to start… the wells need unplugging… the fingers need to type. I will face the fear and act anyway. And you never know I might even tell some more friends about the blog!