I can’t quite explain how ‘chuffed’ I am with myself. I genuinely feel proud of myself- which doesn’t happen very often. Today I started a creative art group at the local mental health unit. I wasn’t particularly bothered if I went or not- but I thought it might be a better use of a couple of hours, as opposed to staying in bed. I’ve been to this kind of group before, so as usual I trundled along with fairly low expectations and a bit of apprehension. It is a non-directive group and I had to decide what kind of creative work I wanted to do.
At this point I need to give a bit of context.
I LOVE colour… I like painting and I’m ok at putting brush to paper and making abstract patterns… in fact I know I can create some fairly funky pieces of art- but I CAN’T DRAW. In fact, I get angry and frustrated at my inability to draw, as it hinders me creating paintings of the things I would like to paint. So when push comes to shove, I always retreat to my default position and choose to do a ‘painting-by-numbers‘. Hear me correctly- I really like painting by numbers, it can be really satisfying and the finished result is of a far superior quality than anything I could produce free hand. But it never feels fully mine. When people ask, “did you do that?” I always qualify before accepting a compliment, yes, but it’s only painting by numbers- I didn’t draw it.
Well today, I made a choice. As I veered towards the painting by numbers, I decided to try and find the courage to draw something. Not trace, but draw. It was even harder as being in a group setting others would inevitably see my miserable attempts… but I really wanted to try. So I did. I remember hearing someone say- “all you have to do is draw what you see” – so that’s what I did. There was a beautiful painting in the room of lilies- my favourite flower, so I decided to try and copy that… and this is my result. And I am chuffed.
It isn’t perfect nor finished, but it is my work and if I’d given into my fear, I wouldn’t have produced what I did. That inspires me. I am self-aware enough to know that if the finished result was rubbish I wouldn’t be blogging about it… however, I do also know that I crossed over a line of fear today and that is most probably worth a lot more than two sketches.
I feel more proud of these than I do of performing in the olympic opening ceremony- because I never thought I could produce anything like this. I’m celebrating!
Thanks for listening.