Today I have had moments of feeling paralysed… emotionally stuck in despair- that I have found nearly impossible to move from. As I try and describe these moments and be mindful of them, I wonder what this feeling is all about. The dictionary defines paralysis as:
a. Loss or impairment of the ability to move a body part, usually as a result of damage to its nerve supply.
b. Loss of sensation over a region of the body.
2. Inability to move or function; total stoppage or severe impairment of activity: fear that led to national paralysis.
and I feel all these things. I feel that I lose the ability to move- physically, emotionally, mentally, my whole self- an inability to physically move and distract myself and an inability to function in the basics of life. I can relate to the definition of ‘total stoppage or severe impairment.’ Increasingly in the last few days I have felt despair increase- as life moves forward for others, (as I perceive it) life seems to be slipping away and coming to a stop for me.
Today, as I spent time with a good friend, I felt the panic rise at not knowing how to move forward… the only destination- a black abyss- nothing to live for- no point to anything. And it paralyses me. I grasp for the skills I am learning, but I can’t reach them… I try and take deep breaths but no air seems to be able to get in…
Paralysis for me seems like the ultimate in helplessness. I want to… but I can’t. I try… but I fail. And I wonder when it will ever be any different.