A dear friend yesterday commented that I hadn’t posted anything for a while. I was aware of this- but her observation caused me to consider what was really going on for me and my lack of blogging.
A very real and practical reason is that I am experiencing some pain in my eyes and writing at a computer isn’t necessarily the best form of self- care, but I also a knowledge that I have happily answered emails to with no regards to my eye, so something else seems to be going on…
Another real but slightly more dubious reason is that I now have an iPad… I have wanted one for ages and finally I have got one… Hurrah! However , I am very new to it and sorting out photos etc is not quite there yet and I know that a ‘good’ blog needs pictures, which currently I can’t do. Both reasons true but not the whole story.
Last night I acknowledged to myself that I only really like blogging with ‘good’ news or my ‘successes’ I love communicating with those I know me those i don’t about recent triumphs and significant steps on my journey with dialectical behaviour therapy. And in reality I haven’t had so many of them recently- and more than that I’ve had some rocky moments that have really frightened me- and I haven’t felt able to blog about them.
That says more about me than my audience… I don’t want to disappoint my friends… I like it when people are proud of me and tell me I am doing it well… Being vulnerable in this medium isn’t quite so appealing. And I have mirrored in the cyber world what I can do in the natural- I withdraw. I say nothing, I ignore, I pretend. And I want to change that… I come as I am- warts and all- and as I grow in authenticity- that needs to include here. That doesn’t mean I will sheer details that do not feel safe to do so… But it does mean that I can communicate that instead of non-communication.
Thank you to all of you who regularly challenge me.
Thanks for listening- more soon.