Dialectical Behaviour Therapy continues to throw up new challenges. I am making leaps and bounds in some of the skills- and recently I found myself actually talking about a long term project- which is an extremely new phenomena for me!
A major part of my recovery has been using and developing my creative skills (as my previous posts outline!) but Penelope challenged me about some of my motivations. Most times when I make something it is either for someone else as a gift or to earn money or to make my house look nice. There is always a reason… A way to justify the time I spend on the activity and the money involved… There has to be what i consider a good enough reason… and Penelope went for it!
My homework was to think about something I wanted to do / or have… That had no other reason except that I wanted it. Gosh, this was tough! Every time I thought of something e.g. Decopatch- my mind instinctively went onto who I could do it for etc…
The following week while visiting a dear friend- her 3 year old child was playing with a pretend shop… And it reminded me of my love of miniature things and imaginative Play. I recalled memories of looking at pictures in books and imagining a different life. I had found my frivolous- no point- thing… A dolls house! I’ve always wanted one of those lovely proper dolls house- not plastic- but wooden, expensive and limitless in its imaginative possibilities.
I toyed with the idea of getting a dolls house. And boy, was that a tough idea to swallow. How on earth could I justify such a frivolous purchase. A dolls house has no purpose. You can’t wear it or eat it. It won’t ease anyone’s suffering. It will take up room, time and money. Is God ok with me buying one? Is it the right thing to spend money on? How can I even think of doing something so pointless! There seemed to be no way I could buy a dolls house. I told a few people- who were really encouraging- but the whole idea was completely bonkers. I just couldn’t do it- and I didn’t.
But last week something happened. A friend mentioned she had seen a dolls house in a charity shop. I had a fair bit going on that day- and I couldn’t digest that information. The next day when I saw her she mentioned it and I responded by pretty much negating the idea. In my next session, I was convicted that once again I had pushed aside my own agenda, needs and desires for something more ‘worthy’. On Thursday I bought a dolls house!
I can’t justify it in any way. It has no purpose except I wanted it and I got it. And that is so difficult to tolerate. A friend helped me put it together today. I know it is a long term hobby that will take a good while to build up… There is no rush (unusual for me!)
I’m looking at it now- and the battle with feeling guilty is quite strong. But I will persevere through it. I have bought a dolls house. A pink one. And a grand piano to go inside it. And a sewing kit- all seemed relevant really.
I have a dolls house. Outrageous isn’t it!