Walking through

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Sometimes making the right decision is hard. Extremely hard.
It has consequences that are sometimes painful- hopefully only in the short term but painful all the same.
Sometimes even when we know it is the right thing- we can still have that pang of regret at doing it.

This week I have tried to make some ‘right’ decisions. And at this point I am regretting them- but I still know they were right. I am regretting them because they’ve been emotionally and mentally painful. It’s a bit like the alcoholic choosing not to have a drink- and even though they know it is the right thing-it hurts like crazy.

Today I have been remembering Psalm 23 the oft quoted funeral psalm. The psalmist muses- ‘even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…’

The challenge is the walking through. Often we want to escape the valley. Magically be lifted out. God to deliver us. A helicopter with James Bond in it land a few feet before us. But the psalmist knows the challenge is to walk through. For him the comfort was the presence of God in that journey. At this point in my life I’m not sure if God’s presence is a comfort or not to me… But that is another story.

In DBT today my therapist observed that maybe I had never gone as deep into my pain as I am currently. Possibly there is truth in that. All I know is that everything in me wants to avoid, escape and medicate this pain… But instead I choose to walk through. I choose to not avoid- not escape and not medicate inappropriately. Maybe if I come through the other end I might be able to decide whether God has indeed been ‘with me’.

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Thanks for listening.

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2 responses »

  1. Hi Hephzibah, I keep an eye on your posts as I often can relate to them and feel inspired and encouraged by your progress. I don’t know you but I wanted to say something at this point in the hope to encourage you, as you have done me. Not easily done in one brief comment…a few well meaning words won’t cut it I know…and in some ways maybe there is no point…but then maybe there is, just to know that your blog has touched someone you don’t know and offered her something…enough for her to want you to know she is thinking of you and hoping things have picked up and that you can somehow cling to God as you walk through. I hope not to offend. Hang in there, it sounds like you have done so well.

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I can’t tell you what an encouragement that is. Very humbling indeed. I wish you well in your journey. It is so hard at times isn’t it. Keep going. Thank you.

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