Noticing the change

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I have a growing list of blog posts I want to write but since returning from Russia I’ve seemed to hit the ground running- but wanted to write this short post before I leave for work.

Nothing encourages me more than when I see how I’ve changed. The most motivating thing for me in this painful process is when I get those mainly small, but significant glimpses of me reacting/ responding/ acting differently in situations.

Yesterday I had a busy day at work and I had a evening at home. As I drove home from work I was anticipating getting home getting in to my pyjamas and not moving from my sofa in front of the TV. I was almost drooling with anticipation.

I got home went straight to my room to change. I noticed that my room did need a bit of a tidy (nothing like days gone by)… But I noticed the tug to get on to the sofa. What was so significant for me was that I could stop in that moment and realise that I didn’t need to rush to sit on the sofa. I could spend some time tidying/ faffing…

I’m not sure I’m fully explaining the significance- but it became clearer for me this morning. For the past few days I have woken before my alarm- and in my gratitude journal I have been thankful for doing so. This morning I realised how monumental this was for me. For years I would dread that moment of waking to the alarm- I would gingerly open my eyes and see if the black cloud was still around my neck… I would cry at being awake… Being awake before 9 was especially traumatic. Now I find myself grateful to be waking up before I have to!!!! How cool is that!!!!!

Last night- I had a glimpse that I could be home- but not have the need to be sitting on the sofa. I could take 10 mins out and still be safe, relaxed and comfortable. As it happens I didn’t have a night in front of the TV on the sofa- but what was amazing for me- was that I was ok with that. I could be at home but capable of doing more than frozen on the sofa.

I am grateful. Thanks for listening.

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