I am back from Russia. It was eventful, inspiring, humbling and a bit scary all rolled in to one! I will blog about my trip at another point- as I have come back and hit the ground running in terms of challenges and growth opportunities!
Before I went away I made the decision to book some dates for me to try and sell my home made crafts at Christmas/ school fayres. I didn’t blog about it at the time- but suffice to say, the decision sent me well a d truly into emotional turmoil. On prodding I think this was because
1) my dad was a market trader and there is something in me that was trying to recreate something of him by going back in to my old stomping ground
2) I recalled that as a child helping dad on my stall I would find myself desperately hoping that people would buy his merchandise as I couldn’t tolerate the guilt or fear of my dad not having enough
3) my own personal attachment relationship with my the items I create. I feel shame at charging appropriately for my stuff- have been driven to mortification if a comment is m are that it is too expensive- therefore I under sell/ give away my work… Also if people don’t buy my stuff (mainly people I know) I then struggle with feeling rejected… And then the cycle continues.
All of this erupted in one of my sessions with Penelope- I was so upset I reverted to a very old behaviour pattern for me and I just went missing for a few hours- I just drove and drove and I’m still not entirely sure where I was for that time. (Thankfully, that doesn’t happen very often at all).
My following session Penelope and I tried to find the balance. My black and white thinking would have me choose- don’t do any stalls then or you’ve got to sell everything… With Penelope I think I arrived at about a 50% balance… I don’t need to sell my stuff to eat- I do like making the stuff and I don’t need 50 scarves of my own…
So on Sunday I had my first venture into putting my stuff in the public domain. I was SOOOOO nervous! Proper tingling fingers, wobbly legs kind of nervous (very unusual for me). As I drove to the venue I thought about something that had happened the previous Friday… A workman had been killed by a lorry overturning on the M25… He left for work and didn’t return… The worst that was going to happen to me was that I didn’t sell any of my stuff… No big deal in the grand scheme of things. In DBT speak- I was able to take the helicopter view- something that was so huge to me- wasn’t actually so important in the grand scheme of life and death…
I had a lovely afternoon at the fayre. I only sold 1 scarf- but I chatted with interesting people- knitted while I waited- and had a beautiful journey through lovely countryside. I was free to sell- free or to not sell… That was a wonderful feeling for me.
This week I’ve wobbled a bit with it. Panic has risen at times- but I’m working hard at remaining solid. On Friday evening my friend hosted an event for me to sell my stuff- I was really encouraged. I had a great evening and sold some bits. Thank you.
But yesterday the worst happened. I did another event and didn’t sell a thing. Not a sausage. The worst has happened and I’m ok. I survived it. It was a bummer… but nobody got hurt… I’m still breathing… I don’t have to feel any more disappointed than any of the other traders- it was not a personal slur on me… It was the event. I am panicking slightly at having lots of items left to sell and no future dates to do so- but I can work it out- without emotion pulling me into a prison. I recommend the view from a helicopter!
Thanks for listening.