For most of my life I have carried the weight of these ‘myths/ beliefs- (whatever you want to call them) firstly, that I have no sexual desire at all. When I talk about sex to friends ( not that often) I always say- “I haven’t had sex for 20 years and if I never have it again I wouldn’t be bothered in the slightest”. And to be honest, that hasn’t necessarily changed but it has been challenged.
I have never had an enjoyable sexual experience. I have had more awful experiences than I will ever recount. Life is easier, more simple, even more pleasant without it as far as I am concerned. If I never have sex ever again, my life will not be the worse for it.
However, what has been massively challenged in the past few months is whether I ever actually have sexual desires. Previously, if I had to I would have described my sexual orientation as asexual. I don’t find men attractive, I don’t find women attractive. I am sexually dead. Sometimes I might try and think about having sex with a man in a pink shirt in a walk in shower- but that never has an effect on me- it just seems an interesting thing to do if I ever did have sex. But I had an encounter a couple of months ago that rocked that belief.
This was one of those incidents that at the time really knocked me. It was so strange- bordering on surreal. A door-to-door salesman came to my door- a young very attractive ex-offender- and to cut a long story short, he asked to have sex with me. Somehow, almost miraculously I managed to get him out of the house and not succumb. But unbelievably for me… I WANTED TO! If it wasn’t for the fact I didn’t know when my lodger was due home, concern that God would obliterate me and also that my legs needed shaving- I might have done it. OH MY WORD THAT IS SO OUTRAGEOUS FOR ME TO ADMIT! Physically I felt attracted to a man- I actually had to resist the encounter. I have never experienced that before.
My notion of asexuality was challenged to the core. Having to face the thought of maybe I would want/enjoy sex is rocking my core beliefs. Hear me right, I have no desire to have sex with random people. I still feel complete by being celibate. The difference is- just maybe I’m not as dead as I thought- maybe it’s just dormant???? GOSH, this is shocking for me! I need a cup of tea!
Thanks for listening.