Monthly Archives: December 2013

Not quite as I imagined!

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I feel the need to qualify what I am about to write- by saying, currently I am having some physical troubles that are interfering with my sleep. Therefore I am becoming increasingly tired and tearful… So possibly I would not normally respond as I did- but today I did!

I posted earlier about my bread making foray. It was a gift for my elderly neighbour. I enjoyed the process very much. Unfortunately I do admit that
A) it ended up being a bit browner than perhaps it should have been and
B) I didn’t grease the tin enough so it ended up coming out of the tin in 3 separate lots! But apart from that I didn’t think I had done too bad!

I took it in to Edna who informed me in no uncertain terms that should wouldn’t eat that- it looked horrible and then she ended it by saying she couldn’t eat it, it looked so disgusting- she would give it to the birds!!!

It really hurt. Proper hurt. It had taken about 2 hours in total to make… I was quite shocked. I had written her name in the top of the loaf and everything! Thankfully I got out of her house without crying in front of her and I took my sorry looking loaf back with me!

Creativity and cooking is such a personal thing. When we share our gifts we make ourselves vulnerable and today I wasn’t quite resilient enough to the lack of appreciation!

I think it was made slightly worse as the Christmas cake and Christmas cookies have remained un-eaten until tonight. I am definitely trying! I leave a picture and admit it looks a bit ropey- but big chunks of it with cheese and pickle might have worked!

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Thanks for listening.

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Very satisfying!

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Things are a bit out of sorts for me at the moment. But i was gifted the opportunity to make bread this morning. Gosh, throwing dough about is very satisfying! It’s in the airing cupboard as I type- I’m looking forward to the smell of bread filling the house. Added bonus- Edna next door is going to have the loaf so I’m not tempted to scoff the lot. #mastery

Chronic emptiness

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I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at the beginning of 2012, by a consultant psychiatrist who I hadn’t met before this time of hospitalisation. My relationship with him was not easy.

My regular psychiatrist who has known me for many years has never been totally convinced about this diagnosis and this week when I saw him again we discussed it further. We looked together at the symptoms of BPD. Like every other human being in the entire universe I am unable to be boxed and many of my behaviours (or absence of certain behaviours) are not typical of BPD. However we both agreed that one of the BPD symptoms I do suffer from is the one of chronic emptiness.

For those that know what I mean, you would know that chronic emptiness can be one of the most painful and debilitating ways of suffering. For me, it is the most distressing of all my symptoms, and the one I try and medicate most with my behaviour. It is also the one that I feel I am making the least progress in my recovery.

But I write this post because I need to validate that I am trying. I have physically thrown myself off my sofa and moved away from the tele. I have got my skills checklist out and decided to make some christmas presents and blog. I am choosing to fight the choking abyss that threatens to extinguish life from me. At the risk of being criticised for my use of superlatives- my only defence is that there are no words that adequately describe the experience of chronic emptiness.

Marshall Linehan likens BPD sufferers with having 3rd degree emotional burns. Whether I have BPD or not is slightly irrelevant, unfortunately I can relate that level of pain.

I continue.

Thanks for listening.

Checking in

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It is a month since my last post… Time flies. I was so touched when one of my followers commented saying she/he missed my posts. I found that really humbling. As I go through my days I often think of things i would like to blog about and i add them to my list on my phone- future blog posts. Then when a suitable time evolves I write them up. I had hoped this holiday would afford those moments. They still might but I have got issues with one of my eyes again and I find the screen quite painful. Actually, I find lots of things painful! We shall see how that develops.

I want to write. I want to create. I want to dream and I want to rest. Some of these I find easier than others- but I want to do them.

Since my last post I have been for my assessment at Changing Faces, I’ve nearly resigned from my job (!), I’ve attempted to make my first ever Christmas cake, visited a casino and bought my most expensive (for me) pair of shoes ever… (Feeling the need to justify this by saying I used my birthday money!)

I find myself experiencing new things most days- and I am so grateful for feeling alive. In the past there have been times where I have been unable to even feel pain… So partaking and participating in life- in both its up and downs is a welcome development in my journey.

I really hope to be able to blog this holiday- lots to tell!

I hope that this season brings each one of us what we need. Whatever that may be.

I leave you with a picture of my shoes- random I know!

Thanks for listening.

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