I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at the beginning of 2012, by a consultant psychiatrist who I hadn’t met before this time of hospitalisation. My relationship with him was not easy.
My regular psychiatrist who has known me for many years has never been totally convinced about this diagnosis and this week when I saw him again we discussed it further. We looked together at the symptoms of BPD. Like every other human being in the entire universe I am unable to be boxed and many of my behaviours (or absence of certain behaviours) are not typical of BPD. However we both agreed that one of the BPD symptoms I do suffer from is the one of chronic emptiness.
For those that know what I mean, you would know that chronic emptiness can be one of the most painful and debilitating ways of suffering. For me, it is the most distressing of all my symptoms, and the one I try and medicate most with my behaviour. It is also the one that I feel I am making the least progress in my recovery.
But I write this post because I need to validate that I am trying. I have physically thrown myself off my sofa and moved away from the tele. I have got my skills checklist out and decided to make some christmas presents and blog. I am choosing to fight the choking abyss that threatens to extinguish life from me. At the risk of being criticised for my use of superlatives- my only defence is that there are no words that adequately describe the experience of chronic emptiness.
Marshall Linehan likens BPD sufferers with having 3rd degree emotional burns. Whether I have BPD or not is slightly irrelevant, unfortunately I can relate that level of pain.
Thanks for listening.