Monthly Archives: January 2014

Signs of change

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My body continues to be challenging. My eye is not responding to treatment as I would have hoped. The main repercussion of compromised vision has been the effect in my distress tolerance and DBT skills. I have blogged previously about how I am a visual learner and my more successful skills are visually based. For the post month I have not been able to read, knit, crochet, make jewellery… Blogging is just about ok in very small doses!

So I’ve had to challenge myself to be skilful in new ways. One of the main things I have done is have bursts of de-cluttering and organising my home. In shortish bursts I’ve attacked various drawers and shelves- it’s been sooooo satisfying!

Today I went through some photos. The first pack was of a visit to New York. I looked at the photos and could not relate to having visited there. The images were alien to me. I then began to organise my Olympic memorabilia- I had been part of the opening ceremony but have no real recollection of this event. I found it very challenging and on the whole quite unpleasant so I zoned out a lot of the time. The photos mean nothing to me.

But then I saw an image of St. Basil’s cathedral in Moscow. Immediately I knew I had been there! How encouraging is that!!! I knew I had been there. Such a change.

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The other encouraging development over the past month is that I have been able to connect more with the needs of my body. For my whole life I’ve lived in fear that I have imagined or made up being ill. The reasons for this aren’t important at the moment. Except to say, it has at times stopped me getting appropriate medical treatment.

During this last month, I’ve had to go to the hospital 10 times and each time I have been able to articulate and identify the level of pain I’m experiencing. Every single time the doctor has believed me and my symptoms have matched up with the evidence in my body. That is really helpful for me. So helpful. Maybe I can trust what I am feeling in my body a bit more than I ever feared. Amazing.

I’m not happy my body is struggling. But I’m really happy that I am more connected to myself than I ever have been.

Thanks for listening.

Another go!

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I have attempted baking bread again after my first nit so successful attempt! A friend is coming for lunch, she doesn’t know about the last disaster so she is under no pressure to be polite!

I have been reviewing a lot of my DBT material and the skill of mastery. My understanding of mastery is that it needs to be something that is a challenge but not completely beyond achievement. When we have mastered the thing, the result is increased self-esteem, satisfaction and it is evidence in the armour against hopelessness.

I couldn’t give up in bread baking at first failure. This one looks a bit better- not sure about the taste though. They remind me slightly of roast chickens but they should be ciabatta loafs! I am beginning to understand that the shape I put them into the oven is the one they are going to come out. I think I thought that they would come out perfectly shaped even if I out them in a bit jaggedly!!!! Never mind. I think the term is rustic!

Perseverance is the name of the game in this season I think!

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2014 I am blessed.

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Last year I remember clearly writing a blog post / thank you letter during a New Year break in the French Alps. This year it will be shorter but equally full of gratitude.

I am so blessed. I am breathing, able to walk, have food to eat and I am loved and am growing in my capacity to love others. But over the last few days I have been bursting with thankfulness for the most precious gift. The gift of change. I have changed, I am changing and I will continue to change. And that excites me more than anything. The potential to change. That for me sums up the essence of being alive. I can change the things that are changeable and I can accept the things that aren’t.

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I have posted before about my difficulties getting in the London Underground tube. This year I have begun to take small steps in this process. Yesterday I was able to get myself to Waterloo and then onto Surrey. A year ago I wouldn’t have even given it a go. That’s exciting for me.

None of us know what 2014 will bring. But I hold closely on to the truth that things and I can change.

Happy New Year.

Thanks for listening.