Signs of change

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My body continues to be challenging. My eye is not responding to treatment as I would have hoped. The main repercussion of compromised vision has been the effect in my distress tolerance and DBT skills. I have blogged previously about how I am a visual learner and my more successful skills are visually based. For the post month I have not been able to read, knit, crochet, make jewellery… Blogging is just about ok in very small doses!

So I’ve had to challenge myself to be skilful in new ways. One of the main things I have done is have bursts of de-cluttering and organising my home. In shortish bursts I’ve attacked various drawers and shelves- it’s been sooooo satisfying!

Today I went through some photos. The first pack was of a visit to New York. I looked at the photos and could not relate to having visited there. The images were alien to me. I then began to organise my Olympic memorabilia- I had been part of the opening ceremony but have no real recollection of this event. I found it very challenging and on the whole quite unpleasant so I zoned out a lot of the time. The photos mean nothing to me.

But then I saw an image of St. Basil’s cathedral in Moscow. Immediately I knew I had been there! How encouraging is that!!! I knew I had been there. Such a change.

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The other encouraging development over the past month is that I have been able to connect more with the needs of my body. For my whole life I’ve lived in fear that I have imagined or made up being ill. The reasons for this aren’t important at the moment. Except to say, it has at times stopped me getting appropriate medical treatment.

During this last month, I’ve had to go to the hospital 10 times and each time I have been able to articulate and identify the level of pain I’m experiencing. Every single time the doctor has believed me and my symptoms have matched up with the evidence in my body. That is really helpful for me. So helpful. Maybe I can trust what I am feeling in my body a bit more than I ever feared. Amazing.

I’m not happy my body is struggling. But I’m really happy that I am more connected to myself than I ever have been.

Thanks for listening.

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