Last week I realised I’ve hit my wall. The wall that always appears… as far as I get as much as I improve, eventually I always hit the brick wall. And wonderfully over the past couple of weeks I’ve finally had some clarity into what the brick wall is. Amazing.
I do so well, make strides in my skills and the proverbial brick wall blocks my way. And my brick wall is that intrinsically I believe I am unlovable. I know that some people love me, but at essence I feel unlovable, believe I am unlovable and as a consequence that makes for a very lonely existence.
I have spent 20 odd years ‘loving’ God, serving Him and wanting to live a life that is pleasing to Him… but it’s run dry- because the basis of my relationship with God has been that I love Him, but I don’t believe for one moment that He loves me. I realised yesterday as I was driving, that my relationship with God is just another example of unrequited love…. I love someone who does;t love me. Ironically, with God, this couldn’t be further from the truth if I tried. But as I can’t experience His love or allow myself to rest in that love, it might as well be unrequited.
And that ‘unloveableness’ translates into my human relationships. I know that I have friends who love me, but I don’t ever rest in that love and believe it won’t be taken away in a blink of an eye. I excuse it… they love me because they don’t have to live with me… I minimise my relationships as a way of trying to get my head around that someone else may find me loveable. And intrinsically, I don’t even consider it a vague possibility that maybe one individual would love me enough and want me to be their significant other.
So I’ve hit the wall, and by hook or by crook, I don’t want that wall anymore. It has to go. I’ve called time on it. Ideally, I would quite like a bulldozer to knock it down, sadly, I think a chip, chip, chip at it is more likely to be the way.
I don’t care if no-one else is ever able to say to me I am loveable…. all I want is to be able to say that to myself. I have such a long way to go, but I am going to knock that bastard down and be free.
Thanks for listening.