excuses, excuses, excuses

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I am blessed by having people in my life who care about me enough to tell me the truth. I was reporting to my psychiatrist the CF debacle. He was suitably supportive etc and then he said. “Hepzibah, maybe this is the time for you to confront the fact that often you blame the way your face looks for being alone, and actually that’s an excuse you use to cover up your fear of intimacy. It’s a convenient excuse.” I’m sure these weren’t his exact words but it was definitely the essence of his message. And I agree with him. I have 100% used my face as an excuse. No one wants to be with me because I’m ugly.

I know this isn’t true. There are lots of ‘ugly’ people who have a husband/ wife… I have a young friend with the same facial condition as me and last year I went to her wedding where she married a man who is utterly besotted with her, he can see past the face.

So I’ve been trying to confront my real fears. If it’s not about my face- what is it about. In my heart I know why and those reasons aren’t appropriate to share on a blog suffice to say the general themes

  • i am petrified of being rejected
  • i am terrified of being abandoned
  • i am quaking with utter fear at the thought of becoming enmeshed/ all consumed with  someone and
  • the thought of someone being attracted to me as a woman, makes me want to vomit….

apart from all that, I would love to be in a relationship!!!!

So I’m now at the place of trying to deal with the deeper issues. It’s not that my face isn’t important to me, it is… but it’s just part of the story and to be truly free I need to start re-writing my own story.

 

Thanks for listening.

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2 responses »

  1. This is a very touching post. I used to hate my appearance and would dread going to the hairdresser because I would be forced to stare at myself in their mirror. I wanted to get plastic surgery as a teenager all the time. In reality, I’m decent looking, but it was all mental. I could never talk to women because there was no confidence and I was constantly projecting into them the expectation that they would hate my appearance as much as I did.
    Today, things are very different, and I am fine with how I look. It makes a big difference because people feel that I’m more confident in myself and I believe they actually view me as more attractive just because of that. As you noted, it’s not that much about the surface but what’s beneath. There’s no reason you can’t come to feel very different about yourself and gain a stronger inner expectation that someone will like you and want to be with you.

    • Thank you for your encouragement. It sounds like you have done so well. Well done you. It’s exciting to look back on our progress sometimes isn’t it. Keep going.

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