Over Bank Holiday weekend I went to Amsterdam with a lovely friend, Debbie. I will talk about my lovely trip on another blog at some point, for this post Debbie is the pertinent topic. Debbie is lovely. She is kind, good fun, generous with her time, has a can-do attitude and is also a man-magnet! I’m informed by some of the male species that Debbie is very attractive to men. I don’t fully get it to be honest, but a common feature of my trip was men showing lots attention to Debbie and me just sitting there. (It wasn’t actually quite as bad as it sounds, I kept fairly solid but the difference in attention was very obvious.)
In my next session with Penelope (my DBT therapist) we discussed this phenomena. What was Debbie doing/ saint/ acting/ believing etc that was different to me? If I run with the premise that my issue is not my face then what is it? We came to two conclusions:
1) I am fully aware that I definitely give off a vibe of ‘come near me and I will stab you’ type of thing and
2) Debbie took/ takes a lot of care of how she looks and presents herself.
Debbie took about 40 mins to get ready (I find it ridiculous myself, I would prefer the extra time in bed, however, here Penelope suggests, possibly lies some of the problem!!!) Debbie cares about herself, this happens to come out in her appearance, but she cares, takes time and values her femininity. I on the other hand, do not!
I have made great strides, I always brush my hair (!) (my hair is very short and I’m never entirely sure brushing it actually makes any difference).
I was discussing with a dear friend in the week about the relationship with taking care of our appearance in relation to our internal feelings of self-worth. We didn’t really come to many conclusions, but I can see the logic in Penelope’s argument that people who care about themselves attract other people who care… (would love to discuss this further with my friends).
So, Penelope has set me some pretty heavy duty homework. I have many weaknesses, but I always do my homework, no matter how painful. I am so grateful to have someone guiding me through this pain, so I trust her enough to know she wants me to be better, so I’m going with this even though I find it very challenging at times.
1) research other hairstyles to match my type of hair (thin, fine, as straight as a poker type of hair)
2) research make up techniques that might enhance my features and minimise my facial anomalies! (I am almost shaking even writing this!!!)
3) be open to considering myself as a feminine being (I think I’m going to be sick)
I can think of every argument in the book as to why I shouldn’t even bother to do any of the above, but I wouldn’t have thought starting to bake cakes would have been any use but now my diet/ cooking is beyond recognition, so it’s not my bag to disagree. (Also Penelope is quite scary at times!)
More to follow… thanks for listening.