I returned from a trip to Mozambique in June 2010. My ‘dreams’ as I believed them were shattered. Ripped into zillions of little pieces that seemed impossible to rebuild. My life as I had imagined it would be- ended. (possibly only temporarily, but nevertheless the overwhelming feeling of ‘lostness’ and ‘grief’ was tangible.
I went to spend some time with a friend in the South of England who has a real passion for helping people get in touch with their dreams and passions. It was a painful weekend but an important one. I was drowning in the ‘impossibilities’. Everything I thought I wanted seemed beyond my grasp. I was surrounded and allowed myself to believe that life had nothing left me and I certainly had nothing left for life.
Regular readers will know that this event helped precipitate a period of depression that finally led me to starting DBT. There is nothing magic about DBT. But for me, it finally gave me the tools to manage myself, my pain and to begin to dream and believe that life might actually be worth living.
DBT, coupled with training to be a life-coach and my work with my friend Agnes has enabled me to turn my life around. I’ve blogged before about the beautiful gift my friend Emily gave me: a print with the words
Go Confidently in the Direction of Your Dreams. Live the life you imagined.
So I’ve been trying to get in touch with that imagined life. This morning, I am blogging from one of those dreams.
I’ve always wanted a safe space that I can escape to. A place where I can write, dream, re-charge, rest, just be. Somewhere for weekends, somewhere to invite friends to and somewhere that I can offer to people as a retreat place. I’ve been fairly unattached to the mode of this place… cottage, boat, lodge however when I searched my heart I realised I have ALWAYS had a bit of a hankering for a static caravan or camper van. I’m not entirely sure why. We did not have family holidays as children but I do have one memory of visiting a caravan site… and I remember going on a caravan holiday with Ricky and us just walking for hours along the sea coast. I looked at buying one a few years ago when I was actually earning money but I never grasped the moment and since then my salary took a bit of a dip…
I have a beautiful home that I thank God for every day. I love it and I’m very happy there- but I still find a hankering in me to be able to withdraw)
This Summer I was in Bulgaria with my sister and friends. I spent a lot of time thinking, dreaming, planning (I love it!). I wrote this in my private journal (I journal as well as blog, I write everything in my journal that is definitely not fit for public consumption! – I use my journal far more than blogging!)
WEDNESDAY 13th August 2014.
+ to have a weekend/ holiday retreat:
1.5 hours MAX drive away
by water (not necessarily sea)
available for friends to visit me or use if they want
Sometimes life takes on crazy exciting and circumstances and today, Sunday 7th September 2014 I am blogging from a caravan, on an Island, 1 and 1/4 hours drive from my house! I am not in a position to buy it, but I was introduced to a couple who were amazingly willing to rent it to me for the next 4 months. This enables me to see how much use I make of it and whether it is something I really want. Renting means I cannot make it my own obviously, but I can use it.
I’ve been here since Friday tea-time. It is on a holiday site with an indoor pool and entertainment so hopefully my friends with children might be able to visit. It sleeps 6. It has central heating. It is placed on a most delightful Island which has so much to explore. It is a quiet site, mainly older people. And for the next 4 months it is mine. It has absolutely no internet- I am writing this in word and may or may not publish when I get home. I do have weak phone signal. I have not been able to get the TV to work. I do not want to waste time watching TV however the thought of watching X Factor and Strictly while cozied up on my couch is very appealing so I hope I can get that sorted.
I have read lots, blogged some, walked much and a friend came to visit yesterday which was lovely.
This next school term is a busy and important one for me. I know completely that the harder I work, the harder I will need to rest. I am so utterly humbled and grateful that for the first time in my entire life I want to give myself that gift.
This morning I was reading a chapter from Mark Williams and Danny Penman’s 8 week Mindfulness Course. They write, “… it’s difficult to be curious and unhappy at the same time.” p. 61 I have an island to explore, I think that will keep me curious!
In July I visited a friend who had just purchased these pictures… I absolutely loved them. I wondered whether I had internalised them and that is why my journal entry in August came out. Last week I visited her and she had gifted me a set of them. Today, they are on the mantelpiece of my caravan.
Dare to dream, they can come true.
Thanks for listening.