Wow, the last few weeks have been difficult. Unexpectedly. Shockingly. Scarily. It wasn’t quite meant to be this way. I was never going to be like this ever again. It wasn’t part of the plan. I read the signs wrong.
A couple of months ago I knew I was very tired. Very tired. I also presumed it was because I had started my new role in my school and it has been fairly busy. I was proud of myself for listening to my body. I was trying to show compassion to myself and therefore made adjustments to my schedule. I was trying to do the right thing and look after myself. But I got it wrong… I failed to notice that my tiredness was not exhaustion but depression. And my strategies for managing my tiredness had inadvertently made my depression worse. In a bid to conserve energy I cut out lots of my social activities. I focussed just on getting through work and trying to sleep.
The consequence of this was that my sense of isolation increased. I wasn’t talking or seeing people who love me. I was spending far too much time in bed. Resting was making me more tired not less. But I had my moment of clarity a few weeks ago- and it has been pretty awful since!
I wasn’t ever meant to feel depressed ever again. I was cured. That was the past. There was no reason for it, I am the happiest and most fulfilled I think I have ever been. I’m not sure what has been worse, the black cloud suffocating me or the terror of being like I was two years ago. It has been tricky.
But I am now reading the signs correctly. It doesn’t particularly make it any easier but it does mean that my actions should eventually help me not exacerbate it. My thinking is muddled. Even writing, which comes very easily to me is more challenging. Nothing is quite as ordered as I usually like it! But in my heart I know two things… at least I was trying to read the signs and secondly, I can now see the signs more correctly. I have a long way to go.
Thanks for listening.