my soul feels a little depleted

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My journey of de-cluttering continues. I had booked in 6 hours with my decluttering friend on Saturday- and I was completely on a mission to go through my clothes brutally and clear the floor of my study! I was ready to let stuff go. I was ready to make space. I was ready to do this.

We worked really hard. I only cried once! (getting rid of a handbag that had REALLY horrible memories associated with it- but every time I’ve decluttered before, I’ve had this perverse, “I must keep this and be reminded of that pain”, kind of thinking… thankfully this time, I realised how stupid that was- but I did cry as it went in the black bag 😦 (tears of pain).

Anyway, I digress… we worked hard 🙂 and I cleared SOOOO much stuff out. I now have space in my drawers! I do not have to ram clothes in. Here is the evidence!

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I was cock-a-hoop (an English idiom!) I was soooo pleased with myself. I felt light. Free. Almost virtuous. It was such a good feeling. Of course I have been decluttering for the last year or so, but this was the big one. I( was brutal with myself and my stuff. It was REALLY GOOD!

Part of the deal with my friend is that she takes the stuff I no longer want to the charity shop. If it stays in the house- it is likely to still be there months later. I gift aid my donations to the charity shop and we have a good little system going 🙂

But this time I wanted to do something different. I had SOOO many clothes (13kg in fact) that I had the brain wave of selling them to a clothes for cash company and making back some of the money I had spent on paying my friend to help me! Normally I wouldn’t bother but as I had so much, I really thought it would be worth it.

I did still give to the charity shop all the non-clothes stuff, and there were a couple of pieces of clothes that were better quality and I left them for the charity shop as I thought they would be able to make a bit more from these items.

I had seen this clothes place on the way to work. Yesterday I and Daniel, (he happened to be in the car with me, unfortunately for me he witnessed my shame, which gave him and Gareth a good laugh). stopped at the cash for clothes place. I think you can most probably guess what happens next. The ‘charity’ send the clothes back to Eastern Europe (took quite a bit of my friendly charms to get this out of the lady). For my 13kg I got the grand sum of £6.50!!!! I knew they only pad 50 per kilo, however, I had absolutely no idea how much my clothes weighed- all I knew it was a BIG bag!

I was so embarrassed! Not at only getting £6.50- but the fact that I felt I had been greedy and look how much the charity shop could have made from all these clothes. I know this ‘charity’ say they will send them to Europe, but to be honest it was a little bit seedy in there- I wasn’t totally convinced (!).

Daniel thought it was hilarious. And of course in one sense so did I… but I was so cross with myself. Why had I done that? I didn’t ‘need’ the money to pay Debbie. £20 back would have been good- but I had chosen to pay Debbie…

I felt like my soul had been depleted. I felt really ashamed of my actions. There was absolutely NO WAY I was going to say no and take the clothes back, they were everywhere! it was just really awful. Barnados I am sorry 😦 Of course, I will give Barnados the £6.50 as it almost feels like blood money- I just can’t keep it!!!! ( I think I might be over-reacting at this point- but it’s how I feel)

But what it also showed me, and even writing this blog shows me, that I feel emotionally quite vulnerable at the moment. Today, I was meant to be running a training for another school, who were going to pay me far more than £6.50. They needed to re-arrange. The relief was enormous. I could have cried with joy. I have not slept very well over the last few days and I am just very tired. I had everything planned, but the need to be all singing and all dancing just feels a bit much at the moment. Today I have still worked all day, but from my bed with the tele on. I have to go to school this evening for a parents meeting, but I have at least not had to speak to anyone (apart from digitally!). And I realise that at the moment speaking to anyone just feels like a step too much. I am shaky.

This post isn’t really about the £6.50. It’s about reading the signs and taking action. I need to reclaim my joy at decluttering. But I’m finding the shame a bit difficult to shake. But I have to. I am now going to try having a bath in my own home… if you’ve read any of my previous posts you will know this is a big one for me.

Thanks for listening.

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