It has been about a month since my last post. I’ve meant to blog- but that moment hasn’t easily arisen. It is now school holidays and slowly space is emerging. It has been a pretty horrible start to the new year. Challenging, tricky and I’m feeling like I’ve made a pretty shit job of it all.
I don’t even have a nice packaged post to write with thought through metaphors and nuggets of truth. I have so much to say but no words to say it… Yet.
I have not managed myself very well at all. And currently I’m paying the price for that. My emotion regulation skills have been non-existent, my distress tolerance skills fairly dysfunctional and I’ve forgotten what it means to be mindful. I have had some interpersonal effectiveness success this term which has given me some respite in all the chaos.
Now I find myself in France with friends, extremely tired and know that I need to attend to Operation Rescue. And unusually for me I’m not entirely sure what the rescue looks like. I came away with all my normal tools- crafts, books and journals- but I’m too tired to focus at the moment. Before leaving on Friday my dear friend encouraged me to trust myself and follow my leading for each day. Historically, I would have been unable to work out what I needed on a moment by moment basis so I would compensate by being super organised and every moment planned for. Now, as I know myself far more than ever, I need to try a different way. The way of going with it.
The past two days I have slept lots. As soon as I start reading my kindle my eyes get heavy and I fall asleep. I had hoped to be out running round the lake- actually I can hardly walk up the stairs so my best chance of running is to follow what my body is saying. I don’t like it. I wanted a really ‘productive’ holiday- but maybe my productiveness will lie in not being productive at all. Gosh, that’s a challenge.
I’m not sure if blogging will be part of the process. Quite a lot of the rubbish this term is not fit for pubic consumption- so I don’t know. But I do find comfort in knowing that I can write, the page doesn’t judge and I can feel a little more known in the midst of the aloneness. That is very special.
Thanks for listening.