Monthly Archives: April 2015

30 and not out

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Yesterday I completed my 30th run! 

After two fairly significant injuries I am virtually back to the place I was before the second one stopped me running for 18 days. 

The progress is slow, but I am making progress nevertheless! Where the app says week 3, I have actually been at it for 16 weeks!!!! But I’m still further on than when I started! 

30 runs seemed like a good place to celebrate. 

Well done Hephzibah, you are doing great. 

Thanks for listening. 



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The quest continues

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My quest to master things I never thought possible continues. This Spring, daffodils have been important to me. I’m not entirely sure why. I’ve seen them previous years but this year for some reason I’ve really seen them. They are beautiful. 

While on holiday I remembered again my desire to be able to capture beauty through drawing and art. It’s something that does not come naturally but I spent some time watching videos and reading about techniques. Yesterday I visited some friends I decided to try and capture the beauty of the daffodils. It’s not great but I’m proud of my attempt! I just need to persevere! 

  

I tried another one and that daffodil certainly looks a little genetically modified – it will give the receipients a chuckle! I’m not posting that picture just in case my art is famous one day! 

Thanks for listening 

The quest continues

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My quest to master things I never thought possible continues. This Spring, daffodils have been important to me. I’m not entirely sure why. I’ve seen them previous years but this year for some reason I’ve really seen them. They are beautiful. 

While on holiday I remembered again my desire to be able to capture beauty through drawing and art. It’s something that does not come naturally but I spent some time watching videos and reading about techniques. Yesterday I visited some friends I decided to try and capture the beauty of the daffodils. It’s not great but I’m proud of my attempt! I just need to persevere! 

  

I tried another one and that daffodil certainly looks a little genetically modified – it will give the receipients a chuckle! I’m not posting that picture just in case my art is famous one day! 

Thanks for listening 

Old and new views

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last week this was my view from the bar where I was drinking hot chocolate… Beautiful  

 

On Tuesday this was my view of the local daffodils… Amazing…

   

     

Very different- equally beautiful. 

Thanks for listening

Proactive or Reactive 

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I have felt a bit sad the last couple of days. I had picked up a bit but then yesterday I just felt pretty shit and today has had its moments. I don’t honestly know fully why. Today I walked quite a bit. (The French Alps are very hilly – I found it hard going!) as I was walking back to the apartment I could identify that I was far too emotionally dependent on the actions/ moods of others. If others were happy (or even more significantly happy with me) – I felt ok. But conversely if others were not happy or not pleased with me, emotionally I can get floored. 

Some staff at my school have not been happy. They have decided to leave. I know in the long term this is good- but my perceived feeling of ‘rejection’ is playing havoc with my ability to remain rational! I am feeling fearful, despondent and pretty shit about the whole thing. Borderline Personality Disorder is characterised by doing everything possible to avoid being rejected and protecting oneself from even the threat of rejection. I am not concurring I have BPD but I do relate to having sold my soul a number of times to try and avoid being rejected. 

I have let the reactions of others floor me. If someone doesn’t answer an email I find myself getting hurt. It sounds so silly, I don’t like it and this afternoon I could see that I was so busy responding to the actions/ emotions of others I was at risk of losing myself. 

Then, this evening blow me down with a feather, I read the next chapter in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and it was all about being proactive- having the freedom to choose our responses versus being reactive- allowing external factors/ things/ people to determine our responses. I can choose my response. 

These kind of moments will always lead me back to needing to know myself and what I need and want. That process continues. But I am free to continue that process- that is something no one else can take away from me unless I let them. 

Distraction or Imagination, Imagination or Distraction

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ive spent more time today pondering about the act of reading. This morning I described reading as a child/ teenager as my ‘salvation’. I’ve been thinking what that looked like for me. Was my salvation finding solace in imagined places, escape through fantasy or was it on a more base level merely a distraction? 

I’m coming to the conclusion that it offered me and still does, a distraction. As observed this morning, reading takes all my attention. Maybe as a young person reading enabled me to temporarily focus on something different to reality. 

I read fairly quickly. And unfortunately I have usually forgotten what I’ve read relatively quickly. One of my huge frustrations in life and therapy is my difficulty in using imagery and ‘pictureing’ myself. Sometimes the mindfulness exercises require me to ‘imagine’ myself by a lake- I find it absolutely impossible. It really makes me angry, that I can’t do it. My psychiatrist says it is due to my struggles with depersonalisation and de-realisation. Whatever the reason, I can see this in my reading behaviour. 

I would devour books but could never enter them. I remember loving the stories of life at Mallory Towers and The Famous Five but I could never allow myself to be taken into another world. I couldn’t imagine. I couldn’t truly empathise because I couldn’t own my own reality. 

Some books have had lasting impressions on me- to kill a mocking bird the most notable. It is one of the few books where I can still remember reeling at the injustice in one of the court room scenes. 

I love reading. But I’m now not entirely sure why! I don’t mean to be heavy about it, whatever the reason I like the act of reading very much. I think I’ve just been caught by the possibility today of it not just being a way to use my time but it could also be a way of me entering another’s world as I try and make sense of mine.

Thanks for listening. 

Books, glorious books! 

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As a child and teenager, books were my salvation. I was a constant reader, devouring pages like a hungry woman. Mainly novels- but not exclusively. I liked ‘reading round’ subjects… While studying Bach for my A level Music I remember reading a wonderful book on Baroque architecture. 

My family were not very book orientated. My dad was unable to read or write until the day he died. My mum and brother could read (albeit non fluently) but never did for enjoyment. My sister can read and will still read when on holiday. 

This holiday I’ve remembered again that reading is one of the few things that requires me to do it one-mindfully. I cannot read and do anything else at the same time (apart from drinking tea). When I crochet or knit I can still chat or be aware of the tele. When I bake I can listen to the archers! When I write I can still have a vague conversation with someone. But when I read it demands all of me. Which is possibly why I don’t do it as much as I should. I can’t read with music or tele on, it is far too distracting. It is one activity that demands me to be as DBT describes- one-mindful. 

What a gift. I need to move from reading being a treat (normally reserved for holidays) to reading being part of keeping sane regime. It’s one of the few medicines that really is quite pleasant! 

Thanks for listening. Enjoy doing something one-mindfully, it’s good for the soul!