I have felt a bit sad the last couple of days. I had picked up a bit but then yesterday I just felt pretty shit and today has had its moments. I don’t honestly know fully why. Today I walked quite a bit. (The French Alps are very hilly – I found it hard going!) as I was walking back to the apartment I could identify that I was far too emotionally dependent on the actions/ moods of others. If others were happy (or even more significantly happy with me) – I felt ok. But conversely if others were not happy or not pleased with me, emotionally I can get floored.
Some staff at my school have not been happy. They have decided to leave. I know in the long term this is good- but my perceived feeling of ‘rejection’ is playing havoc with my ability to remain rational! I am feeling fearful, despondent and pretty shit about the whole thing. Borderline Personality Disorder is characterised by doing everything possible to avoid being rejected and protecting oneself from even the threat of rejection. I am not concurring I have BPD but I do relate to having sold my soul a number of times to try and avoid being rejected.
I have let the reactions of others floor me. If someone doesn’t answer an email I find myself getting hurt. It sounds so silly, I don’t like it and this afternoon I could see that I was so busy responding to the actions/ emotions of others I was at risk of losing myself.
Then, this evening blow me down with a feather, I read the next chapter in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and it was all about being proactive- having the freedom to choose our responses versus being reactive- allowing external factors/ things/ people to determine our responses. I can choose my response.
These kind of moments will always lead me back to needing to know myself and what I need and want. That process continues. But I am free to continue that process- that is something no one else can take away from me unless I let them.