Holding my nerve

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I need to hold my nerve. And I need to hold on strong.

This image is a copy of a picture my brother had in his bungalow. It is huge! I remember buying it for him and struggling to get it to him. It is how I am feeling- but sadly, I do not feel sheltered- just storm ravaged.

My brother passed away at the beginning of December. Aged 49. He was cremated 3 days before Christmas Day. It hurts. I feel like I am drowning.

But I know I need to hold on. Keep my nerve. Not panic. Not do anything in a knee-jerk reaction as a desperate desire to make myself feel better. It is hard. Very hard.

I have had a couple of days that have been very scary for me. A strength of pain that felt life-threatening. I need to hold on. Humbling though it is, I also need to admit that I need others to help me hold on. Some things are just too big to face alone. I don’t have any answers- as I’m not entirely sure what the questions are… but as the storm rages- the whisper in my soul is “hold on- hold your nerve”. I’m even saying it out loud to myself in public places- such is the crash of waves that keep coming over me. “Hold on.”

I fought for my brother. I used words to  persuade, defend, argue and insist. I refused to take no for an answer. I stood firm in the face of protocol and policy. I didn’t back down in the midst of accusations and insinuations. I did it all for him and would give anything to still be able to do it for him. It was easy to do it for him. The greater challenge is to fight for myself. My survival. My life. Currently, I am the one in need- threatened and at risk. The only person that needs to hear my voice- is me. I need to speak up loudly enough for myself to take notice. I am so blessed- I have many friends who listen to me. Some how I need to be able to dig down deep enough to listen to the voice that says “hold on”.

Thanks for listening.

 

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