I am restless. I am over tired. I can’t focus and all this leads to frustration.
So many things to do. Nice things. Necessary things. Creative things. Important things. And I can’t seem to do any of them.
I have school work to do. Sewing projects to start. Knitting projects to complete. De-cluttering. Tidying up. Marmalade to make before the oranges go off. Christmas presents from last year that need finishing and giving. Putting away the washing (still hanging up from 2 weeks ago). Posts to write. Books to read. Bills to pay. And I can’t seem to do any of them.
The restless-ness is one of my ‘worse’ feelings. I can’t bear being unproductive. If I don’t achieve something- I’ve failed. I am happy for that achievement to be small e.g. putting away the washing… but it has to be there. And it isn’t there.
It’s Saturday morning in the UK. I’ve been awake since early. I’ve talked to myself and told myself to chill. Take a day out. Rest. Penelope wants me to just do things for pleasure- try and raise my mood. But achieving/producing is my pleasure. I love turning old curtains in to new aprons. I love forming a cake from egg and flour. I love seeing a black and white page transform in to a blaze of colour. So what do I do about that… when my pleasure is derived from the very thing I can’t seem to do at the moment?
I suppose I have some options.
- explore finding another source of pleasure. (definitely worth doing any way)
- Get a grip and get off my arse and do something or
- Follow the DBT way. The DBT way says ‘radical acceptance’. I stop fighting the restless feeling, and accept it. I accept the mess. The unfinished. The plans that aren’t happening. I accept things as they are today. In this moment. I may not like being like this. But today, I am like this. Accepting it, disempowers it. Accepting it, causes rest.
So today, instead of looking at all the things to do and getting frustrated that they aren’t getting done. I will accept, I have unfinished things in my life. When I have more energy, they will get done. When I’m on form, I can achieve a lot. But at the moment, I can’t.
So today.I am restless. I am over tired. Can’t focus… and that is just the way it is.
Thanks for listening .
I cannot adequately express the relief I feel at having today off! In my survival mind I was preparing myself for Sunday being my rest day- but events have changed and today I am unexpectedly not where I thought I was going to be. I almost feel a little tearful at the relief!
Some of it is physical relief. Currently, I am lying horizontally on my bed with laptop in hand. Cup of tea by my side. Desert Island Discs on in the background. I don’t have to leave my house for another 90 mins- sheer bliss.
Some of the relief is mental. I have put the dishwasher on. I have picked up a pile of washing from the floor. Those things that have been littering my mind for the last couple of weeks- have a chance to be cleared. I must do two phone calls that have been on my mind for ages. I can start to clear the decks, tick off the to-do list- begin to de-clutter my mind again.
The majority of my relief though is emotional. I have been on jury service. The case has been the most gruesome one I could have imagined. I have seen pictures of things, heard details of the human body that I didn’t want to know and been put in the position where the future of people’s lives has been placed in my hands.
Its been a mixture of awful but rewarding, gruesome but at times comforting. My ability to embrace the ‘grey’ of life, instead of black and white has been tested to the limit. I’ve lost sleep over it, but also joined with 11 other strangers and formed a bond that will never be repeated. We were thrown together as partners in the assessment of human depravity. That brought us close. I will never see them again. I don’t need to. But we shared something that ultimately we shouldn’t have had to. They helped restore my faith in human beings.
Penelope (my DBT therapist) has managed to fit me in today at the last moment. As much as I want to stay in bed all day, it will be good to de-brief from this. I don’t just want to recover from this. I want to change. I want to assess the important and ditch the small stuff. I want to grow in gratitude. Breathe deeply. Love those around me more and take responsibility more for my own actions. The greatest challenge will be to honour my own story and what I do about that.
I leave as I started- in a place of sheer unadulterated relief. Thank you.
Thanks for listening.