The relief…

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I cannot adequately express the relief I feel at having today off! In my survival mind I was preparing myself for Sunday being my rest day- but events have changed and today I am unexpectedly not where I thought I was going to be. I almost feel a little tearful at the relief!

Some of it is physical relief. Currently, I am lying horizontally on my bed with laptop in hand. Cup of tea by my side. Desert Island Discs on in the background. I don’t have to leave my house for another 90 mins- sheer bliss. Unknown.jpeg

Some of the relief is mental. I have put the dishwasher on. I have picked up a pile of washing from the floor. Those things that have been littering my mind for the last couple of weeks- have a chance to be cleared. I must do two phone calls that have been on my mind for ages. I can start to clear the decks, tick off the to-do list- begin to de-clutter my mind again.

The majority of my relief though is emotional. I have been on jury service. The case has been the most gruesome one I could have imagined. I have seen pictures of things, heard details of the human body that I didn’t want to know and been put in the position where the future of people’s lives has been placed in my hands.

Its been a mixture of awful but rewarding, gruesome but at times comforting. My ability to embrace the ‘grey’ of life, instead of black and white has been tested to the limit. I’ve lost sleep over it, but also joined with 11 other strangers and formed a bond that will never be repeated. We were thrown together as partners in the assessment of human depravity. That brought us close. I will never see them again. I don’t need to. But we shared something that ultimately we shouldn’t have had to. They helped restore my faith in human beings.

Penelope (my DBT therapist) has managed to fit me in today at the last moment. As much as I want to stay in bed all day, it will be good to de-brief from this. I don’t just want to recover from this. I want to change. I want to assess the important and ditch the small stuff. I want to grow in gratitude. Breathe deeply. Love those around me more and take responsibility more for my own actions. The greatest challenge will be to honour my own story and what I do about that.

I leave as I started- in a place of sheer unadulterated relief. Thank you.

Thanks for listening.

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