I am in quite a high state of anxiety 😦 so may be a longer post than usual!
I used to have a dog. A dog called Damien. It was possibly one of themes unhealthy relationships I have ever had with human or animal! I was totally enmeshed with this dog. My separation anxiety was such that I paid people to sit with him and my life revolved around this dog. To top it all, he really was quite unpleasant… (which is very significant in terms of my relationship patterns interestingly).
When I came out of my last bout in hospital, 2012, Damien did not return home. It was a good call. It helped me recover. I was unbound from him and quite frankly after the initial harrowing separation, I didn’t hugely miss him.
But I do love dogs. I really do. Over the past few years I have flirted with trying with another dog- but I’ve never felt brave enough.
But to cut a long story short, yesterday I bought two puppies! And I’m now in a state of panic.
My fear is that it will be the same as it was with Damien. And to be frank I’m not sure I (or some of my friendships) can survive another Damien experience. I was so enmeshed it was horrific. But I know, I’ve been enmeshed with humans (always men).
Can I love something but remain separate? Can I manage my separation anxiety? Can I still function while loving something/ someone?
I am absolutely shaking in my boots. Penelope will be delighted I have done this. Currently, I am not. But it’s not because I don’t want the dogs. I do. I just don’t want to be like I was before and I have not a jot of confidence that I will be any different and that petrifies me. So the hard work has to start now.
I choose to feel the fear and do it anyway.
This is different.
I am different.
The dogs are different. They are not Damien.
I have 4 years of skills training under my belt. I am happier. I can do this. I will do this. I need to get my CBT books out again and get working. This has the potential to be delightful and healing. They are gorgeous. Other people can have pets and not crumble, so can I, it just may take me a little bit more work. I am going to do this.
Names are not yet decided, but here they are. I pick them up in 2 weeks. Time to plan!