In my last post I poised the question as to whether I might have had a breakthrough… well, I think I have! The difference in me since that DBT session with Penelope has been seismic for me. The relief is even more palpable then when my jury service ended- as this has this separation anxiety has plagued me for years.
A tale of two lunches best illustrates this. Two weeks ago I went to lunch with Gareth and Daniel. I had left the pups in school (5 mins away) crated up safely with a member of staff sitting in the same office. I was anxious. Not the worst case… but I was preoccupied with them. I admitted it to my friends, but at that point I just couldn’t understand why I was being so pathetic. I wanted to text Eileen to check they were ok, I fantasied that a member of staff was going to complain about the pups being in school. At one point, I thought I was just going to have to run back to them. (we were gone about an hour). It wasn’t great.
This week I had lunch with Gareth. I left the pups in school again. This time, I TOTALLY FORGOT about them. I mean, TOTALLY FORGOT. Didn’t think about them once. Didn’t even dawn on me to text. I TOTALLY FORGOT about my precious pups. And I could sing and dance with joy. The relief is enormous. The result is that I am enjoying them even more. I look after them, but their needs are not more important than mine.
I will bring them with me when I can but only when its the best thing for them and the best thing for me.
I know I have a way to go. I think 3.5 hours is the max I’ve left them alone. (with no other human). But I have not asked anyone to sit with them or pop in- which is just great.
This new information/ experience also makes a difference to other aspects of my life, not just with the pups. If I can continue to develop this ability to keep separate… and be able to love from afar as well… who knows what else life may offer me. Possibly I could commit to someone/ something without it being a life sentence??? Shock horror- if I’m managing this fear, perhaps I can develop to a point where I can even feel loved? As I say to the children in my school, the world is your lobster- just may be my world has expanded just a little bit more.
Thanks for listening.