The last 6 months have been amazing.
potentially life changing.
at times brutal
and at times beautiful.
2016 is rocking up to be a big year for me! As I was driving to Penelope this morning, this post was brewing as I reflected on some of the events of this year. Penelope (my DBT therapist) refers to significant events as ‘recovery markers’ those events that have signposted a change either internally or externally. This year has offered a few of these!
My brother passed away in December. I miss him terribly. But I’ve survived his loss. I’m still going. His death hasn’t meant my death. I can carry on without him. On a practical note, his death has also freed me up. I can now turn my phone off at night in peace. My sleep has drastically improved. I don’t wake with that dread of what the day may bring. I don’t get the phonecalls telling me to get to the hospital quick- he might not survive. I would give anything to have him back with us- but I don’t miss living with that level of stress. His death has given me some new life.
Jury service in January was massive for me. Really significant on so many levels. I bonded with my fellow jurors at such a deep level. We listened to stuff that we shouldn’t have had to… but at the time I knew we were together for a set period of time and then it was likely I would never see any of them again. With hindsight I see that my attachment patterns were evolving. I was growing in my ability to come together and then sep-arate again. Penelope today talked about recovering from abandonment issues- you know things are changing when you can come together but then move apart… Even back in January I knew things were brewing…
And then, along came the pups… George and Mildred. They are bundles of joy. They are tiring, messy and adorable. They have given me the most enormous gift- that I can love something/someone and not be consumed or controlled by them. I can love but also leave. I can give love and receive it. I can be responsible without being restricted. I can be committed without being castrated. I can co-exist with something/ someone else.
My progress feels miraculous quite frankly. I can now contemplate choices that I never knew even existed. If I can love differently, my world can expand. If I can love for a time, I can carry on loving beyond that time. These few paragraphs don’t do justice to my progress but if this much can change in 6 months… who knows what the next 6 months may bring! Watch this space!
Thanks for listening.