recovery markers

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The last 6 months have been amazing.

significant.

potentially life changing.

exciting.

gruesome,

at times brutal

and at times beautiful.

2016 is rocking up to be a big year for me!  As I was driving to Penelope this morning, this post was brewing as I reflected on some of the events of this year. Penelope (my DBT therapist) refers to significant events as ‘recovery markers’ those events that have signposted a change either internally or externally. This year has offered a few of these!

My brother passed away in December. I miss him terribly. But I’ve survived his loss. I’m still going. His death hasn’t meant my death. I can carry on without him. On a practical note, his death has also freed me up. I can now turn my phone off at night in peace. My sleep has drastically improved. I don’t wake with that dread of what the day may bring. I don’t get the phonecalls telling me to get to the hospital quick- he might not survive. I would give anything to have him back with us- but I don’t miss living with that level of stress. His death has given me some new life.

Jury service in January was massive for me. Really significant on so many levels. I bonded imageswith my fellow jurors at such a deep level. We listened to stuff that we shouldn’t have had to… but at the time I knew we were together for a set period of time and then it was likely I would never see any of them again. With hindsight I see that my attachment patterns were evolving. I was growing in my ability to come together and then sep-arate again. Penelope today talked about recovering from abandonment issues- you know things are changing when you can come together but then move apart… Even back in January I knew things were brewing…

IMG_1403And then, along came the pups… George and Mildred. They are bundles of joy. They are tiring, messy and adorable. They have given me the most enormous gift- that I can love something/someone and not be consumed or controlled by them. I can love but also leave. I can give love and receive it. I can be responsible without being restricted. I can be committed without being castrated. I can co-exist with something/ someone else.

My progress feels miraculous quite frankly. I can now contemplate choices that I never knew even existed. If I can love differently, my world can expand. If I can love for a time, I can carry on loving beyond that time. These few paragraphs don’t do justice to my progress but if this much can change in 6 months… who knows what the next  6 months may bring! Watch this space!

Thanks for listening.

 

 

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One response »

  1. Aah my love, just read this! It blesses my heart so much! It’s amazing and so good! So looking forward to seeing you. Have a good day today. Much love. X xx X Sent from my iPad

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