a scare, a prison and a confession

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My sister was admitted unexpectedly into hospital yesterday. She is poorly but this was totally unrelated. It was a shock to get the text. And it totally freaked me out. My brother passed away at Christmas and I had spent over 20 years regularly visiting him at this hospital, usually for months at a time. I didn’t want to go back there. I didn’t want to go in to ‘crisis’ mode. I could never escape the reality of my brother’s mortality- yesterday I had to face my sisters mortality… and I’m not ready for it.

I felt so intensely alone.

I didn’t tell anyone, because I didn’t really have anything to say. I didn’t want her illness to become all about me. I didn’t want people to think I was hijacking her crisis. So I didn’t say anything and subsequently

I felt so intensely alone.

I didn’t feel able to say to anyone that I couldn’t face that drive again. I couldn’t face finding the sneaky parking space that you only really know if you’ve spent years trying to finding parking spaces. I didn’t want to go back to the A&E where I’ve spent so many evenings. I didn’t want to see the porters who believe I work there as they see me so often. And it all sounds so ridiculously melodramatic. So I didn’t say anything and

I felt so intensely alone.

It’s been horrible. She looked much better today thankfully. I don’t feel much better. I didn’t know how to reach out and ask for help. I didn’t know how to share what was going on and I feel really sad that I put myself in an awful prison. I feel so sad that my sister was so poorly, and I feel so sad that I feel so alone.

Writing a blog  post is a poor substitution for relationship but at least the tears are flowing instead of that awful frozen place I was in. So thats a start.

Thanks for listening.

 

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One response »

  1. Going back somewhere like that is bound to trigger these thoughts. Be kind to yourself. It can take a couple of days to recover from the trauma and impact. Take care and remember you are never alone when we are all here reading your words x

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