Following on from my mini-meltdown of the last post… a major melt down occurred a few days later. Chronologically, time has moved on from this melt down but I wanted to blog about it as I need to carry on processing the result of it. Its not a quick fix issue unfortunately.
I went in to full melt down mode at 3.50pm. I read an email (an inoffensive one in and of itself) but it was the metaphorical straw. I just wept. Thankfully at 4pm I was due to see Penelope (my DBT therapist). I haven’t had a session like this for a while. I was in total emotion mind- and we were both struggling to help me find my wise mind.
For those interested, this article helps explain the difference. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/wise_mind.html
But glimmers of light began to permeate my cloud. I began to see that my mini-meltdown over the pups and my major melt-down over some interpersonal relationships at work were two sides of the same coin. The issue is my way of relating. My attachment behaviours. My propensity to get enmeshed. My lack of skills in separating myself out from others. (This was made worse because I had consciously tried to do that in a personnel issue at work and it became worse as I realise now that everyone is not so open to taking personal responsibility).
I can’t change other people. But I can change me. The problem is, I don’t know the answers! I don’t entirely know what I can do about it. But I know, that I have to. This way of relating isn’t sustainable. It isn’t healthy. And it certainly isn’t life-giving. So I may not know everything but some things I do know- and these I have to do.
Slow down. Take time before responding. Delay in answering back. Don’t get swept along by other people’s agenda and chaos. Step back. Deep breaths. Be sensitive to my need to rescue. Be aware when I am trying to placate at the detriment of my own truth. Stand firm. Be fair. Respect yourself as much as you are trying to honour others.
Sometimes its so hard isn’t it. But melt-downs of any size indicate to me that something isn’t working as well as it could. Something has gone a bit squee-whiff and life is giving me the opportunity to try and get back in to balance.
I don’t enjoy melt-downs, however, I prefer them to the mind-numbing disassociation that usually precedes them. I had been feeling overwhelmed and dead for a number of weeks. I don’t like that non-feeling place where I just can’t articulate what it going on. So actually, I’m pleased for the straw. I was especially grateful that I was outside Penelope’s house when it happened. But I’m also grateful that I can keep plugging away at these issues. Exciting isn’t it.
Thanks for listening