Step 1 of the 12 steps used in recovering communities, talks about realising that our lives had become unmanageable. At the end of my last post I was emphatic in my realisation that all was not right. The reason I know this… is because of ‘craft’.
I love to craft. I love working with the colours, textures and seeing things appear before my eyes. I love the sense of community it creates, not just with fellow crafters but also with recipients and onlookers.
I am currently recovering from some surgery a week ago and a wonderful family have opened their home to me. Rather naively, I think I viewed my time away more as a ‘holiday’ than ‘convalescence’ and was totally unrealistic as to how much I could do and how long I would need to recover… so in my innocence (or is that denial) I made sure I had plenty of craft to keep me occupied. Slash- understatement of the year…
compared to…everything else I need in one case…
I had to cover my bases for all potential eventualities, so I have with me:
- sewing machine
- a bag of necessary sewing machine accessories and haberdashery items
- a bag of fabrics for sewing
- 2 incomplete Christmas presents that I still need to finish
- a repair of a disastrous Christmas present
- an on-line sewing course I have purchased, as this could be a really good time to secure some of the basics a bit more
- an arm knitting wool set
- wool for knitting tea cosies- 2 of which are still owed Christmas presents
- a part made tea cosy that needs some help making it fit
- a picture felting kit to do in front of the tele- but just in case the noise annoys my friends I also have
- colouring and all my different pens to do… but I had to make sure I had both thin and thick pens depending on the nature of the picture PLUS
- I also ordered a giraffe decoupatch set to arrive at my friends house in case I didn’t have loads of brain space capacity… (p.s. the giraffe is 60cm tall)
- PLUS: books: one book I really just had to finish, one just in case I feel up for some emotional stuff, 1 for the healthy living kick (that means I just have loads of books on my shelves about being healthy, but actually I’m still overweight, unfit, lethargic and poisoning myself with sugar)
therefore my friends’ entrance hall looks like this…
And, I haven’t even attempted ANY OF THEM (have done some colouring in bed and a bit of felting). HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. I haven’t felt well enough to partake of those things I love and I have found it so frustrating!
I could have achieved so much this last week. I could have completed projects, started new ones… enjoyed it… created and experimented… and I haven’t. And the worse is, I have totally NOT coped with not doing this stuff. Something as innocent as craft has become another piece of evidence for my lack of productivity- my inertia, my laziness…
I’m not entirely sure I explaining myself properly, but I look at this pile of ‘stuff’ and just see ‘failure’. And on Friday I realised, this is not ok. I don’t want to live like this. There is nothing wrong with crafting. There is something not quite right when I am so frightened of not having enough to keep myself occupied I force my long-suffering friend to fill the boot of her car with my rubbish and I have an ache in my heart when I see all that I haven’t done this week. Thankfully, my addiction isn’t alcohol or drugs- but my driven-ness- may be socially more acceptable- but its a really hard task master and I’m not liking it at the moment- because its fine when I’m on all cylinders achieving what I need to be achieving- but when I’m not it is a horrible horrible task-master. It’s got to go.