Category Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder

Restlessness

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I am restless. I am over tired. I can’t focus and all this leads to frustration.

So many things to do. Nice things. Necessary things. Creative things. Important things. And I can’t seem to do any of them.

I have school work to do. Sewing projects to start. Knitting projects to complete. De-cluttering. Tidying up. Marmalade to make before the oranges go off. Christmas presents from last year that need finishing and giving. Putting away the washing (still hanging up from 2 weeks ago). Posts to write. Books to read. Bills to pay. And I can’t seem to do any of them.

The restless-ness is one of my ‘worse’ feelings. I can’t bear being unproductive. If I don’t achieve something- I’ve failed. I am happy for that achievement to be small e.g. putting away the washing… but it has to be there. And it isn’t there.

It’s Saturday morning in the UK. I’ve been awake since early. I’ve talked to myself and told myself to chill. Take a day out. Rest. Penelope wants me to just do things for pleasure- try and raise my mood. But achieving/producing is my pleasure. I love turning old curtains in to new aprons. I love forming a cake from egg and flour. I love seeing a black and white page transform in to a blaze of colour. So what do I do about that… when my pleasure is derived from the very thing I can’t seem to do at the moment?

I suppose I have some options.

  1. explore finding another source of pleasure. (definitely worth doing any way)
  2. Get a grip and get off my arse and do something or
  3. Follow the DBT way. The DBT way says ‘radical acceptance’. I stop fighting the restless feeling, and accept it. I accept the mess. The unfinished. The plans that aren’t happening. I accept things as they are today. In this moment. I may not like being like this. But today, I am like this. Accepting it, disempowers it. Accepting it, causes rest.

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So today, instead of looking at all the things to do and getting frustrated that they aren’t getting done. I will accept, I have unfinished things in my life. When I have more energy, they will get done. When I’m on form, I can achieve a lot. But at the moment, I can’t.

So today.I am restless. I am over tired. Can’t focus… and that is just the way it is.

 

Thanks for listening . Unknown.png

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laughter

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Well, my weekend away didn’t go quite as planned.

Visiting an European Christmas Market has been on my wish list for a good while. And this weekend I was really looking forward to delving in to the sights, smells and sounds of a Christmas market.

Sadly, Warsaw, I discovered, is not the best place for this experience. It become clear that if the Christmas market did exist, we were too early for it. When we arrived at the hotel and I asked the receptionist where the Christmas Market was, when she replied ‘we don’t have one’, I was instantly reminded of a scene in the Tom Hanks movie, ‘Money Pit’.

I’ve included it for your entertainment!

I laughed just like Tom Hanks at that moment. This continued throughout the weekend as we sort of plunged from disaster to disaster- but it was a good weekend, though not as I imagined.

We were delayed by 3 hours at the airport last night and I was chatting to a man who said he had had the worse weekend of his entire life in Warsaw. His friend got arrested and was still in jail for getting drunk. I was just relieved that the worse thing that happened to me was not getting my fix of cinnamon… I was also pleased that when I was laughing like Tom Hanks I wasn’t arrested under suspicion of being drunk and disorderly!

Thanks for listening. Enjoy the clip! Tom Hanks ‘Money Pit’

A weekend off!

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It is 6.30am. I am at the airport. I’m drinking the most expensive tea I’ve had for ages and a skinny muffin- which is not skinny- but is not giant!

Im waiting for my two buddies who I know from Bulgaria- and quite bizarrely I am off to Poland for the weekend. It seemed a good idea when we planned it in the summer!

Ive never been to a Christmas Market. In the spirit of- let’s embrace life- this was booked and here I am.

Min the mean time life has happened. My brother has been very poorly and his prognosis is not good. I’ve lost the sight in one of my eyes and I haven’t felt this stressed in a long time. Readers will know I battle depression on a fairly regular basis but it is not that often that I feel stressed- pain in my chest stressed. Can’t breathe- stressed. But at the moment I do.

I could have cancelled. But I haven’t. I have decided that I will have the weekend off from all the pain and rubbish that I’m swimming in. My friends do not now about my brother or my eye- and I don’t intend to tell them. I’m taking the weeken off!

I am going to do my best to see the sights, smell the smells, taste the tastes of the Christmas market. I am going to consciously be a tourist in every sense of the word. I’m not sure if I will succeed- but I will try. Because I know full well, it will all still be waiting for me when I get back.

My situation at home is not a temporary one. So I have to manage it. My strategy for this weekend is try and breathe and be present. We shall see!

Thanks for listening.

My One Year Anniversary

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This day last year- I had my hair cut! I went with my friend Clarissa and had my hair cut at a posh Hair training academy. That isn’t the anniversary I am celebrating though… I am celebrating one of the consequences of having my hair cut short.

Today, 365 days later, I have managed to have a shower on 362 of those days. (I missed one as I was camping at greenbelt and all the tea in china was not going to get me inside one of those showers, 1 day I missed as I was a bit poorly with a chest infection and 1 day I missed, because I decided to face the fear that if I missed a day, I would still be able to get back in to it!)

I have talked previously about the Maths of Habit, so I always knew that I wasn’t going to blog about until my first anniversary.

I need to explain a few things.  I am not saying that every one should shower every day. I know in some cultures this is not the norm. My current lodger who is from Asia only showers about twice a week. When I was growing up lots of families might only have bathed once a week. So I realise there is nothing magic about having a shower every day. However, the issue for me, was that I felt I couldn’t manage a shower every day. It was another one of those things in my life, that others could do- but it was just beyond me.

For the last few years I have religiously showered every second day. Mainly because I do not like greasy hair and washing hair in the shower was a little easier for me. But I would wake up and be so relieved when it was the day I ‘didn’t have to shower’. I would be literally grateful that I didn’t have to face the shower.

But my new shorter hair cut, meant that I had to wash my hair every day in my opinion, to stop it looking greasy. I decided to use that as my impetus to have a shower every day. And I’ve managed it. Every single day (apart from 3!) And now, more wonderfully, I don’t really have to go through a palava to do it. It has become part of my routine. I don’t really enjoy it but I don’t wake up dreading it and I rarely think about trying to get away with it.

That feels amazing to me. 🙂 I know it is something that others may take for granted. But I don’t. When I’m in my shower, I just thank God for my recovery and my triumphs. They are sweet.

Thanks for listening.

The quest continues

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My quest to master things I never thought possible continues. This Spring, daffodils have been important to me. I’m not entirely sure why. I’ve seen them previous years but this year for some reason I’ve really seen them. They are beautiful. 

While on holiday I remembered again my desire to be able to capture beauty through drawing and art. It’s something that does not come naturally but I spent some time watching videos and reading about techniques. Yesterday I visited some friends I decided to try and capture the beauty of the daffodils. It’s not great but I’m proud of my attempt! I just need to persevere! 

  

I tried another one and that daffodil certainly looks a little genetically modified – it will give the receipients a chuckle! I’m not posting that picture just in case my art is famous one day! 

Thanks for listening 

The quest continues

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My quest to master things I never thought possible continues. This Spring, daffodils have been important to me. I’m not entirely sure why. I’ve seen them previous years but this year for some reason I’ve really seen them. They are beautiful. 

While on holiday I remembered again my desire to be able to capture beauty through drawing and art. It’s something that does not come naturally but I spent some time watching videos and reading about techniques. Yesterday I visited some friends I decided to try and capture the beauty of the daffodils. It’s not great but I’m proud of my attempt! I just need to persevere! 

  

I tried another one and that daffodil certainly looks a little genetically modified – it will give the receipients a chuckle! I’m not posting that picture just in case my art is famous one day! 

Thanks for listening 

Old and new views

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last week this was my view from the bar where I was drinking hot chocolate… Beautiful  

 

On Tuesday this was my view of the local daffodils… Amazing…

   

     

Very different- equally beautiful. 

Thanks for listening