Category Archives: hope

Operation, pick myself up, dust myself down…

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Unknown.jpegOK. Deep breaths. Big hug. Wipe the tears.

I’ve been disappointed before. I’ve been gutted before. So I need to do what I know I need to do… pick myself up- dust myself down and start all over again.

That doesn’t negate how sad I feel. It doesn’t minimise my disappointment or grief. It just means that I will not let it take over my life. Sometimes when I don’t know which way to go- or what steps to take, I know that sometimes I just have to get up off my seat and start. Start somewhere. Start anywhere. Hope is an essential element to life.

False hope is a cruel tormentor. So its been a tricky time. But I choose to move forward.

images.pngI’ve applied today for a Masters in Educational Leadership- I’ve wanted to do it for years. If I can’t look after children in this country- then I will see what options are out there overseas. I will create community for myself in my own home. I will love those I already have in my life.

When the voices in my head whisper despair and hopelessness- I will stand tall. There is a plan for my life. If a door won’t open- then I will need to find another door that will open.

It’s quite hard picking yourself up- it would be easier to not try… but I’ve not given up yet- so no reason why I should give up now.

Thanks for listening.

 

 

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George

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My brother, George, passed away in December. He was 49.

The day before he died, I was able to have the chat about dying with him. We will all know that conversation is not one of the most pleasant.

Through tears, I said to George, “if love could keep you alive, you would live for ever.” He replied, “I know”. And in that moment, I knew with clarity, he did know. He really knew he was loved. He was totally secure in our love for him. At the time, I remember thinking, wow, he really knows this. I also remember thinking, I don’t.

I can’t seem to believe anyone or feel love from others. I do have people say they love me. I do. I remain surprised when people agree to having me around. When people arrange to see me, I always think, I wonder why they are doing that. But the love doesn’t penetrate. I can’t seem to connect with those words. And it makes me very lonely.

Thankfully George did and could. I hope that one day, so will I. It will make life a lot more pleasant.images.jpeg

Thanks for listening.

It’s all about the food! 

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Space to think and recharge is so important. For me the key is boundaried space. I don’t manage very well when it is endless- but when I know I have space for a finite amount of time- I find it helpful and restoratative. I have such a week. 

Skiing with friends. They ski. I do the après-ski morning, noon and night. They hit the slopes first thing, I hit the crochet hooks and wordpress. I have my little routine, I make myself get showered and go out for a small walk and then I engage with the outside world at the local bar. My quest for a really comfy sofa continues. 

Yesterday I began to see where things went not so well for me last term. The DBT module describes it as ’emotion regulation’. I describe it as looking after myself. And quite frankly I was appalling at it. 

For the past 10 weeks I have only eaten filled wraps and crisps for lunch and my evening meal has been two crumpets with cheese in Joan’s next door- falling asleep before I could even think about preparing food. I have survived on biscuits and cake in work, coke when I’ve really needed more fuel and a carbohydrate fest at the weekends. No one else to blame. I let it get bad again. I genuinely think my body and therefore my mind has suffered greatly for this lack of care. 

And I can change it. And I will change it. I’m sad that I’m not learning as quick as I would like. Self care is not the optional extra. It is the foundation. Ironically, when things are tricky and I have least motivation to look after myself that’s when I need it most. 

I have been running, which I am really enjoying. Unfortunately I damaged my calf muscles again so had to sit out for 2 weeks- it also meant I had to go back to the near beginning of my programme- I’m still on 1.5 mins running but I don’t really care- at least I’m moving. 

Last term I was also more slap dash with my 24 hours no work rule. I had a number of busy weekends for valid reasons but I now see it would have been wise to try and re-arrange the space. It makes a difference. 

I will need to work very hard at regaining the lost ground. But I will. I’m feeling Operation Rescue starting to form together. I’m off to shower, I will go and walk around a lake me thinks.

Thanks for listening. 

Growing in knowing

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My quest for change continues…

Since Sunday in particular I have been musing on the question- ‘what do I want things to look like?’ I’ve been blogging about wanting to do things differently, but I need meat on the bones- what does that look like?

Currently, I’m not entirely sure. But I am now able to observe that I have a clearer sense of what I don’t want. My sense of self is slowly but surely developing… I can now articulate foods I like and dislike… Textures of materials… Colours… Smells…

But I realise I find it is a lot easier to articulate what I don’t like, it is more tricky for me to express what I do like or want. I think some of that comes down to fear of rejection- if I say I like something or want something- what if I can’t have it??? Occasionally and very recently I have been able to say to friends with whom I feel safe enough if I don’t want something – I find that hard enough let alone saying what I would like !!!

This morning I realised again, that for so many years I have accepted what I don’t want in life because either
A) something was better than nothing
B) fear of being hurt and punished for articulating my own preferences or
C) fear of having nothing if I choose not to accept what is in offer.

The challenge for me is to grow enough in my personhood to work out what I do want. If I don’t want Christmas/ New year / school holidays to be like this… What do I want them to be like …

And that my friends is part of my mission… I realise just because I want something doesn’t necessarily mean I can have it… But I’ve got to at least start with getting in touch with some of my desires and give myself a chance of living the life I want…

I feel this at such a deep level that this blog really doesn’t do it justice- but maybe that in itself is a bit of a clue – maybe I need to strip back again to the basics…

All is good

Thanks for listening

What does it look like?

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Florence left me with the question, what does doing life differently look like?

At the risk of overwhelming us all with the thoughts of life and the universe- my current challenge is how can this Christmas holiday be different for me? I have 3 weeks a head of me, that can either be like previous years- pretty miserable- or perhaps they can be a bit different.

So, if in the sentiment of the last post, it is me that has to change what does that look like?

Well of course- I don’t entirely know! I only know what I’ve done previously!!!! So I have to think/ act/ be in a different way.

The first thing I reflected with Florence was the need for me to connect with others. Christmas in particular, I can easily isolate myself because of the fantasy that ‘everyone is busy with their family’. Well, some people will be. But not all. I have to be brave enough to contemplate that even if they are, that doesn’t mean I am therefore excluded.

I remembered 2 Christmases ago saying to friend how lonely I had felt over the holidays. It was good to be able to say it- but what is the point of reflecting on it afterwards- why not try and do something about it while I’m in it! I know some of friends find it frustrating when they learn after the event that I have been physically unwell- if they know at the time, they can support me.

I agreed with Florence that I would text her/ someone while in the middle of a crisis- not just afterwards. I happily agreed to this, as I was feeling absolutely fine!!!! I was buoyed by my eyes being ok, I had a lovely morning pottering in my home, tidying up- I was not going to feel bad at all therefore I wouldn’t have to admit to anyone I was struggling!!!!!

Unfortunately a few short hours later, this was not the case! I found myself sitting in a cafe by myself with tears rolling down my cheeks. Time to take the risk and do it differently. I text. I wasn’t able to speak. But I communicated to someone else in that moment that I was not ok. And strangely, my reality being known at that point was very helpful. My friend couldn’t do anything about it, I didn’t need her to either- but I was known.

I then also needed to get proactive. In DBT speak- was this a situation that I needed to change or radically accept? I felt I could change the circumstances- or at least try to. I text two friends and asked whether I could see them later. I knew I was risking that maybe they would say no- but I at least had to try. Fortunately for me, they said yes! But if it had been no, I would needed to have dug deeper and done it even more differently. Thankfully I was spared that challenge at that moment.

Strategy 1: text someone in the moment- not after the situation has eased.

If anyone wants to share any of their strategies for whatever situation they are in, I would love to hear them.

Thanks for listening.

School

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In February I became a Joint Director of a Limited Company.

This company has purchased an independent preparatory school. This school has 81 precious children in it.

Since September I have been the Executive Head Teacher of this school. My school.

I have a school.

Thanks for listening.

Kitchen

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I have a new kitchen.

I ordered it last Christmas and it was installed at Easter. Lots of people do not know I have a new kitchen. I have been avoiding having people round my house because of my lovely new kitchen.

I painfully confessed to three friends about it in May as it affected them as I had made a mistake with my budget.

I have a new kitchen. It is a gift. I am trying to enjoy it and in the last two months I have had small glimpses of enjoying it.

It is beautiful. I am blessed.

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Thanks for listening.