Category Archives: hope

Operation, pick myself up, dust myself down…


Unknown.jpegOK. Deep breaths. Big hug. Wipe the tears.

I’ve been disappointed before. I’ve been gutted before. So I need to do what I know I need to do… pick myself up- dust myself down and start all over again.

That doesn’t negate how sad I feel. It doesn’t minimise my disappointment or grief. It just means that I will not let it take over my life. Sometimes when I don’t know which way to go- or what steps to take, I know that sometimes I just have to get up off my seat and start. Start somewhere. Start anywhere. Hope is an essential element to life.

False hope is a cruel tormentor. So its been a tricky time. But I choose to move forward.

images.pngI’ve applied today for a Masters in Educational Leadership- I’ve wanted to do it for years. If I can’t look after children in this country- then I will see what options are out there overseas. I will create community for myself in my own home. I will love those I already have in my life.

When the voices in my head whisper despair and hopelessness- I will stand tall. There is a plan for my life. If a door won’t open- then I will need to find another door that will open.

It’s quite hard picking yourself up- it would be easier to not try… but I’ve not given up yet- so no reason why I should give up now.

Thanks for listening.






My brother, George, passed away in December. He was 49.

The day before he died, I was able to have the chat about dying with him. We will all know that conversation is not one of the most pleasant.

Through tears, I said to George, “if love could keep you alive, you would live for ever.” He replied, “I know”. And in that moment, I knew with clarity, he did know. He really knew he was loved. He was totally secure in our love for him. At the time, I remember thinking, wow, he really knows this. I also remember thinking, I don’t.

I can’t seem to believe anyone or feel love from others. I do have people say they love me. I do. I remain surprised when people agree to having me around. When people arrange to see me, I always think, I wonder why they are doing that. But the love doesn’t penetrate. I can’t seem to connect with those words. And it makes me very lonely.

Thankfully George did and could. I hope that one day, so will I. It will make life a lot more pleasant.images.jpeg

Thanks for listening.

It’s all about the food! 


Space to think and recharge is so important. For me the key is boundaried space. I don’t manage very well when it is endless- but when I know I have space for a finite amount of time- I find it helpful and restoratative. I have such a week. 

Skiing with friends. They ski. I do the après-ski morning, noon and night. They hit the slopes first thing, I hit the crochet hooks and wordpress. I have my little routine, I make myself get showered and go out for a small walk and then I engage with the outside world at the local bar. My quest for a really comfy sofa continues. 

Yesterday I began to see where things went not so well for me last term. The DBT module describes it as ’emotion regulation’. I describe it as looking after myself. And quite frankly I was appalling at it. 

For the past 10 weeks I have only eaten filled wraps and crisps for lunch and my evening meal has been two crumpets with cheese in Joan’s next door- falling asleep before I could even think about preparing food. I have survived on biscuits and cake in work, coke when I’ve really needed more fuel and a carbohydrate fest at the weekends. No one else to blame. I let it get bad again. I genuinely think my body and therefore my mind has suffered greatly for this lack of care. 

And I can change it. And I will change it. I’m sad that I’m not learning as quick as I would like. Self care is not the optional extra. It is the foundation. Ironically, when things are tricky and I have least motivation to look after myself that’s when I need it most. 

I have been running, which I am really enjoying. Unfortunately I damaged my calf muscles again so had to sit out for 2 weeks- it also meant I had to go back to the near beginning of my programme- I’m still on 1.5 mins running but I don’t really care- at least I’m moving. 

Last term I was also more slap dash with my 24 hours no work rule. I had a number of busy weekends for valid reasons but I now see it would have been wise to try and re-arrange the space. It makes a difference. 

I will need to work very hard at regaining the lost ground. But I will. I’m feeling Operation Rescue starting to form together. I’m off to shower, I will go and walk around a lake me thinks.

Thanks for listening. 

Growing in knowing


My quest for change continues…

Since Sunday in particular I have been musing on the question- ‘what do I want things to look like?’ I’ve been blogging about wanting to do things differently, but I need meat on the bones- what does that look like?

Currently, I’m not entirely sure. But I am now able to observe that I have a clearer sense of what I don’t want. My sense of self is slowly but surely developing… I can now articulate foods I like and dislike… Textures of materials… Colours… Smells…

But I realise I find it is a lot easier to articulate what I don’t like, it is more tricky for me to express what I do like or want. I think some of that comes down to fear of rejection- if I say I like something or want something- what if I can’t have it??? Occasionally and very recently I have been able to say to friends with whom I feel safe enough if I don’t want something – I find that hard enough let alone saying what I would like !!!

This morning I realised again, that for so many years I have accepted what I don’t want in life because either
A) something was better than nothing
B) fear of being hurt and punished for articulating my own preferences or
C) fear of having nothing if I choose not to accept what is in offer.

The challenge for me is to grow enough in my personhood to work out what I do want. If I don’t want Christmas/ New year / school holidays to be like this… What do I want them to be like …

And that my friends is part of my mission… I realise just because I want something doesn’t necessarily mean I can have it… But I’ve got to at least start with getting in touch with some of my desires and give myself a chance of living the life I want…

I feel this at such a deep level that this blog really doesn’t do it justice- but maybe that in itself is a bit of a clue – maybe I need to strip back again to the basics…

All is good

Thanks for listening

What does it look like?


Florence left me with the question, what does doing life differently look like?

At the risk of overwhelming us all with the thoughts of life and the universe- my current challenge is how can this Christmas holiday be different for me? I have 3 weeks a head of me, that can either be like previous years- pretty miserable- or perhaps they can be a bit different.

So, if in the sentiment of the last post, it is me that has to change what does that look like?

Well of course- I don’t entirely know! I only know what I’ve done previously!!!! So I have to think/ act/ be in a different way.

The first thing I reflected with Florence was the need for me to connect with others. Christmas in particular, I can easily isolate myself because of the fantasy that ‘everyone is busy with their family’. Well, some people will be. But not all. I have to be brave enough to contemplate that even if they are, that doesn’t mean I am therefore excluded.

I remembered 2 Christmases ago saying to friend how lonely I had felt over the holidays. It was good to be able to say it- but what is the point of reflecting on it afterwards- why not try and do something about it while I’m in it! I know some of friends find it frustrating when they learn after the event that I have been physically unwell- if they know at the time, they can support me.

I agreed with Florence that I would text her/ someone while in the middle of a crisis- not just afterwards. I happily agreed to this, as I was feeling absolutely fine!!!! I was buoyed by my eyes being ok, I had a lovely morning pottering in my home, tidying up- I was not going to feel bad at all therefore I wouldn’t have to admit to anyone I was struggling!!!!!

Unfortunately a few short hours later, this was not the case! I found myself sitting in a cafe by myself with tears rolling down my cheeks. Time to take the risk and do it differently. I text. I wasn’t able to speak. But I communicated to someone else in that moment that I was not ok. And strangely, my reality being known at that point was very helpful. My friend couldn’t do anything about it, I didn’t need her to either- but I was known.

I then also needed to get proactive. In DBT speak- was this a situation that I needed to change or radically accept? I felt I could change the circumstances- or at least try to. I text two friends and asked whether I could see them later. I knew I was risking that maybe they would say no- but I at least had to try. Fortunately for me, they said yes! But if it had been no, I would needed to have dug deeper and done it even more differently. Thankfully I was spared that challenge at that moment.

Strategy 1: text someone in the moment- not after the situation has eased.

If anyone wants to share any of their strategies for whatever situation they are in, I would love to hear them.

Thanks for listening.



In February I became a Joint Director of a Limited Company.

This company has purchased an independent preparatory school. This school has 81 precious children in it.

Since September I have been the Executive Head Teacher of this school. My school.

I have a school.

Thanks for listening.



I have a new kitchen.

I ordered it last Christmas and it was installed at Easter. Lots of people do not know I have a new kitchen. I have been avoiding having people round my house because of my lovely new kitchen.

I painfully confessed to three friends about it in May as it affected them as I had made a mistake with my budget.

I have a new kitchen. It is a gift. I am trying to enjoy it and in the last two months I have had small glimpses of enjoying it.

It is beautiful. I am blessed.


Thanks for listening.