Category Archives: Personal Growth

clicks of clarity

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About 2 weeks ago, while on holiday, I had what I call, a click of clarity, I love them… those moments, when you can just see things clearly for what they really are. Sometimes they are totally unexpected and not even related to the current activity, but they just appear and you’d be stupid to ignore. This one was regarding my face, which as some of you will know has been a long term, ongoing struggle for me.

I was lying down on the sofa, and I just thought… my face is never going to change the way it looks- I have no intention of having more plastic surgery or cosmetic enhancers… my face will always look like this whether I like it or not- so actually, if the face isn’t going to change, your attitude better. CLICK. Just like that. After decades of therapy, I had that one thought and its changed me.

My face ain’t changing. So I have to. And I will.

When I don’t blog, I use a private journal. The journal is for all the stuff that is definitely not suitable for public consumption. But today, I will type out a letter I wrote to  my face on 1st August. This is uncomfortable for me, but I know I have to state the intention publicly- and for me blogging is an easier way than telling people (not sure I could do that yet). So here it is… unedited… just as it is, just as I am…

1st August 2017.

Dear Face,

I am sorry. So terribly sorry. For all I’ve put you through. Others have hurt you too, ut I know what I’ve done has been so much more damaging and deep. I have been cruel, neglectful, invalidating and abusive. So awful. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for functioning despite everything you have gone through. Thank you for being so patient with me. I place a marker in the sand- from this moment on my relationship with you changes. I give you my word and my intention. I can’t promise I won’t ever fall or slip in to old patterns, but I can promise as soon as I notice I wills stop I will not indulge the abuse. I will acknowledge it and let it pass- but I will also treat myself with compassion in these failings.

Face, I will need to develop my ability to listen to you and you will need to develop your voice. I know all the abuse has silenced you and you will need to grow in trust of me again. Again, I can’t promise I will never get it wrong but I can promise my desire and intention is to validate you and yours experiences. Keep talking and I will keep listening.

I accept you totally as you are. Your eyes and nose aren’t going to change – I’m not putting you or me through surgery so this is the way it is. I can’t change the way I look and I’m sorry that I’ve been so resistant to you. I’m sorry for the years I have been desperate to look different. I’m sorry for the way I’ve blamed you for everything. I’ve laid it all at your door. The whole lot:

  • rejection by mum
  • being single
  • the reason for my vulnerability to predators

There may be a grain of truth in all of these- but the truth is also that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Face, you are the way you are. You didn’t ask for it- and you are not responsible for other people’s reactions to it… mum, dad, club, peers strangers and most importantly myself. I have made the choices I have- not your fault. I’m not judging myself for those responses- I have done what I’ve done usually because I’ve tried to survive. I have survived. Nut now to live. Cant change what I’ve done but I can change what I do. Wow,such an important moment. I relish this moment: my face isn’t changing so I have to- actually ‘have to’ isn’t the full picture, I choose to… I want to… I really want to…

Facce- you are amazing. You see, smell, speak, breathe, communicate- wow, you are incredible, just incredible.

I don’t want tot insult you by not being authentic, so I’m not yet able to say you are beautiful etc, but with integrity I can say, I accept you the way you are. And I really hope to grow in my love and appreciation of you. Not sure what that really looks like but its got to be better/ different to how things have been until now. I want to look at you with:

  • delight not repulsion
  • compassion not criticism
  • kindness not cruelty
  • to cherish you not to abuse you

Face- may you be safe: safe from the judgement of others and safe from the judgement of myself

may you be happy: delight in your uniqueness, celebrate your quirkiness and glory in your radiance

may you be healthy- may your eyes continue to see, your ears continue to hear, your nose continue to breathe and your out and teeth be healthy and whole.

Your face is welcoming- your smile is radiant and your laugh is infectious. Your lips are beautiful.

“People will stare. Make it worth their while.”    Harry Winston.

may your face be at peace: with itself, with me and the rest of the world.

A new adventure together- not sure where its going and what it looks  like- but things will never be the same- they can’t, because my heart has changed.

“I love you just the way you are”

Love Hepzibah.

Thanks for listening.

 

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settling down and building up

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I am slowly beginning to relax and settle down in to the holiday rhythm. It’s taken a bit longer than I would have liked but I’m getting there. What I am loving is the time holiday affords you to tackle those things that you want to do but never really get around to doing!

Unknown.jpegMy quest to continue to develop my drawing and painting continues and with a fairly concerted effort. I have had the book by Betty Edwards “Drawing on the Right side of the Brain” for quite a while, but have never got round to working on it. This holiday I have. And I am over the moon with the results. I get SOOOOO motivated by accomplishing things that I didn’t think was possible for me. I absolutely LOVE that sense of doing something and thinking I did that!

I’m reminded of that time when I overheard a flat mate referring to me as a ‘domestic goddess’ Perceptions. Little did she know! But I want to get to the point, where people don’t realise that I couldn’t draw or dive or bake or whatever it is…. I’ve changed my reality.

Holiday’s give me that space to work at it. (an invigorating work)

I’m practising my drawing and trying to learn to dive. The first is going slightly less painfully than the latter. But I will get there. I leave you with two of happy shots! I DID THESEIMG_1705.JPG

IMG_1694.JPG

 

Dear George and Mildred

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Dear George and Mildred,

I wasn’t really expecting you. You weren’t totally planned. But you are welcomed.

I promise to

  • look after you
  • keep you safe
  • feed and water you
  • take you for lovely walks
  • have lots of fun
  • give you opportunities to play with humans and other dogs
  • give you lots of cuddles
  • have adventures with you (we may well be travelling the length and breadth of the country)

But, YOU WILL NOT OWN ME. You come in to my house and my life on MY terms. I am in charge. I set the agenda not you. You may think you can sniff out my weakness and exploit it, but you won’t win. You may pull on every heart string I have, but you won’t win. Because, I can do this.

You will have a fantastic life with me, but I will work with every ounce in me, to make sure I have a fantastic life with you as well.

Here’s to the adventure.

Hepzibah.

30 and not out

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Yesterday I completed my 30th run! 

After two fairly significant injuries I am virtually back to the place I was before the second one stopped me running for 18 days. 

The progress is slow, but I am making progress nevertheless! Where the app says week 3, I have actually been at it for 16 weeks!!!! But I’m still further on than when I started! 

30 runs seemed like a good place to celebrate. 

Well done Hephzibah, you are doing great. 

Thanks for listening. 



The quest continues

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My quest to master things I never thought possible continues. This Spring, daffodils have been important to me. I’m not entirely sure why. I’ve seen them previous years but this year for some reason I’ve really seen them. They are beautiful. 

While on holiday I remembered again my desire to be able to capture beauty through drawing and art. It’s something that does not come naturally but I spent some time watching videos and reading about techniques. Yesterday I visited some friends I decided to try and capture the beauty of the daffodils. It’s not great but I’m proud of my attempt! I just need to persevere! 

  

I tried another one and that daffodil certainly looks a little genetically modified – it will give the receipients a chuckle! I’m not posting that picture just in case my art is famous one day! 

Thanks for listening 

The quest continues

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My quest to master things I never thought possible continues. This Spring, daffodils have been important to me. I’m not entirely sure why. I’ve seen them previous years but this year for some reason I’ve really seen them. They are beautiful. 

While on holiday I remembered again my desire to be able to capture beauty through drawing and art. It’s something that does not come naturally but I spent some time watching videos and reading about techniques. Yesterday I visited some friends I decided to try and capture the beauty of the daffodils. It’s not great but I’m proud of my attempt! I just need to persevere! 

  

I tried another one and that daffodil certainly looks a little genetically modified – it will give the receipients a chuckle! I’m not posting that picture just in case my art is famous one day! 

Thanks for listening 

Keep on Running!

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This week I have been for a run 3 times! My calf muscle has recovered, (Florence intervened and made it clear that to run on it while injured was really not a good idea!). I am so pleased I can run again. Not just because I enjoy running but also because I have proved to myself that a break doesn’t necessarily mean a total stop. I’m chuffed.

I’m also chuffed because during my last run I:

ran for 2 mins, walked for 2 mins

ran for 3 mins, walked for 3 mins (TWICE) and then

ran for 2 mins and walked for 2 mins.

HOW COOL IS THAT. I can run for 3 mins without stopping!!!!! 

I went ‘running’ with Paul and Emma earlier in the week (I am embarrassingly slow!) but as Paul commented, I am now running double what I could do at the start- actually I think nearer 3 times. So that’s pretty darn good in my book!

I had promised myself that if I was still running by Feb half term I would buy myself a pair of decent trainers. I went and had my running videoed and based on my gait purchased the recommended trainers. They are delicious! It makes a big difference! Daniel, get yourself some decent trainers!!!!! Really worth the money.

Keep on Running everyone, in whatever form that means for you.

Keep on keeping on.

Thanks for listening.

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