Tag Archives: hope

Operation, pick myself up, dust myself down…


Unknown.jpegOK. Deep breaths. Big hug. Wipe the tears.

I’ve been disappointed before. I’ve been gutted before. So I need to do what I know I need to do… pick myself up- dust myself down and start all over again.

That doesn’t negate how sad I feel. It doesn’t minimise my disappointment or grief. It just means that I will not let it take over my life. Sometimes when I don’t know which way to go- or what steps to take, I know that sometimes I just have to get up off my seat and start. Start somewhere. Start anywhere. Hope is an essential element to life.

False hope is a cruel tormentor. So its been a tricky time. But I choose to move forward.

images.pngI’ve applied today for a Masters in Educational Leadership- I’ve wanted to do it for years. If I can’t look after children in this country- then I will see what options are out there overseas. I will create community for myself in my own home. I will love those I already have in my life.

When the voices in my head whisper despair and hopelessness- I will stand tall. There is a plan for my life. If a door won’t open- then I will need to find another door that will open.

It’s quite hard picking yourself up- it would be easier to not try… but I’ve not given up yet- so no reason why I should give up now.

Thanks for listening.




Where am I?


A dear friend yesterday commented that I hadn’t posted anything for a while. I was aware of this- but her observation caused me to consider what was really going on for me and my lack of blogging.

A very real and practical reason is that I am experiencing some pain in my eyes and writing at a computer isn’t necessarily the best form of self- care, but I also a knowledge that I have happily answered emails to with no regards to my eye, so something else seems to be going on…

Another real but slightly more dubious reason is that I now have an iPad… I have wanted one for ages and finally I have got one… Hurrah! However , I am very new to it and sorting out photos etc is not quite there yet and I know that a ‘good’ blog needs pictures, which currently I can’t do. Both reasons true but not the whole story.

Last night I acknowledged to myself that I only really like blogging with ‘good’ news or my ‘successes’ I love communicating with those I know me those i don’t about recent triumphs and significant steps on my journey with dialectical behaviour therapy. And in reality I haven’t had so many of them recently- and more than that I’ve had some rocky moments that have really frightened me- and I haven’t felt able to blog about them.

That says more about me than my audience… I don’t want to disappoint my friends… I like it when people are proud of me and tell me I am doing it well… Being vulnerable in this medium isn’t quite so appealing. And I have mirrored in the cyber world what I can do in the natural- I withdraw. I say nothing, I ignore, I pretend. And I want to change that… I come as I am- warts and all- and as I grow in authenticity- that needs to include here. That doesn’t mean I will sheer details that do not feel safe to do so… But it does mean that I can communicate that instead of non-communication.

Thank you to all of you who regularly challenge me.
Thanks for listening- more soon.

Guest Blog- Hope for those with BPD


This is a copy of a recent guest blog I did for Black Dog Tribe. Thought it might interest some of my readers as well- I hope it might help someone. 

Hope for those with Borderline Personality Disorder? … yes, I think so.

Good news… we don’t think you have bi-polar.

Not so good news… we are adjusting your diagnosis to a mixture of borderline and histrionic personality disorder

Good news… there is an effective treatment for BPD called DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy)

Bad news… this trust doesn’t offer it.

And so went the conversation with the Consultant Psychiatrist in one of my care review meetings while an in-patient at the beginning of this year. In the space of those few minutes I went through every extreme of emotion: from relief to shame, hope to despair. To be told such news, which I found devastating, but then to be told that I couldn’t access the very help needed, was a bitter pill to swallow.

However, sometimes when we have nothing left in us to fight, we just have to.

The new diagnosis was difficult for me. Personality Disorder is such a pejorative term. It is not as kind as ‘illness’… it infers something defective… I found it very shaming. But as I researched BPD I saw that in many ways I did have some of those traits, and I began to find some comfort from being understood.

I also researched Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, pioneered by Dr. Marsha Linehan in the US and my hope GREW… I knew this could really help me… and I wanted that help- just quite how I was going to access it was another matter.

DBT is a skills-based treatment derived from CBT. It consists of 4 core modules: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Interpersonal Effectiveness and Emotional Regulation. It is practical yet emotionally validating. Manageable but challenging. And it is for people like me who struggle with living. However, it is not widely available on the NHS and that is such a shame.

So what do we do if we don’t live in a trust that offers it?

  1. Don’t give in.
  2. Visit your GP and ask them to consider making a ‘special case’ application to get funding for a referral to another trust.
  3. Get others (if we can’t do it for ourselves) to lobby the Commissioners… make a fuss. People with Borderline deserve the correct treatment.
  4. There is an abundance of DBT skills available on the internet for free. Of course, nothing can really substitute working with a therapist, but many of the skills are easily applied by ourselves, and I have found them really helpful.
    1. Put DBT self help into google… some excellent sites come up
    2. Join peer support blogs/websites…
    3. DBT skills books are available for purchase- I looked on Amazon.
    4. Mindfulness- (one of the core modules) is available in abundance on the web and evening classes are available throughout the country
    5. Consider joining a local group based on the 12-steps. These groups can be a safe way to explore relationships and gain support from people who understand. You may not have issues with alcohol or drugs but there are different types of groups for different issues… it’s worth an explore.

I am remarkably fortunate as I am indebted to close friends who clubbed together to enable me to have DBT privately. I am acutely aware that many fellow sufferers may not have that option. But I have also used the resources listed above and they have been tremendously helpful.

When I was diagnosed with Borderline, I felt that life really was over, but one of the goals of DBT is to build a ‘life worth living’. I am not there yet by any means, but I am definitely further down that process, one difficult step at a time.