Yesterday, the lady who used to clean for me left. And I’m finding it challenging. Not merely that I am sad someone didn’t want to work with me anymore. Also, I have a fear it is connected with the interpersonal difficulties that I’ve had with someone else and which I have previously blogged about. But in addition, the consequences of her leaving feel unmanageable. It takes a lot of my energy and strength to keep myself clean- let alone my house. Plus, she helped me with laundry, changing the sheets and though she never tidied she did help keep the house clean. Now she has gone- all those responsibilities fall to me. (Financially it isn’t a great time to employ someone else.) Additionally, I wasn’t expecting her to leave, and I feel like I am starting from a messy place, so it isn’t just a question of maintenance.
So now I not only have to try and maintain my despair while washing the dishes.., I’ve now got the laundry, cleaning, dusting, bed sheets as well! I feel overwhelmed!!!
In DBT this morning, we looked briefly at the skills of ‘cheerleading’ and ‘positive affirmations’ with the aim of working on them more next week. But this afternoon, I sat feeling a little paralysed on the sofa at the amount of tasks before me. A friend popped by unexpectedly, not just with gifts in her hand- but as importantly encouragement on her lips. Since she has gone I have put the dishwasher on, done one load of washing, hung the washing out (taking a gamble with the weather) and mowed the lawn. In the moment, I wasn’t great at being mindful, but I did glimpse that the colours of the clothes were beautiful and the smell of freshly cut grass is going on my positive triggers list!
I’m trying very hard to congratulate myself… but if I’m honest I just want to cry as I feel exhausted and I know this is just the start. But I am trying to celebrate my achievement. Sometimes these skills are really hard!